Try As I May
by BoxOfTrinkets
Summary: She left them two years ago, and Carly and Freddie have tried their hardest to move on, but what happens when she suddenly appears at thier door, desperately needing her friends back? Seddie:D
1. Memories

The wind was blowing softly in the biting December air and snow gently swirled around the grounds of the University of Seattle and coated everything with fine white powder. The grounds of the university were empty, everyone being inside their dorms or at the dining hall eating dinner. It was quiet and peaceful; the only sound was the light crunching of feet that could be heard as the teenage boy carrying a camera bag and laptop case in one hand and a large chai tea latte in the other slowly made his way through the silent court yard outside of the library.

Freddie Benson shivered lightly and pulled the collar of his coat higher on his throat, readjusting the camera bag on his shoulder and switching the coffee to his other hand so he could hold it closed. A small smile still lingered on his mouth. He had never felt so proud of himself. He was returning to his dorm from deep in the basement of the fine arts building where he had just finished shooting the second part of his film he was producing for the school's independent film festival. His team of enthusiastic tech nerds and his cast of four people borrowed from the drama department were all so sure that this would be this year's winner. He turned a corner and winced slightly against the wind's assault as he climbed up the stairs leading to the dorms. He opened the door to the building and sighed contently as the warm air washed over him. Shaking the snow from his hair he climbed up the four flights of stairs and fumbled with his keys before he unlocked the door to his dorm room.

He unbuttoned his coat and draped it over the coat rack before he dropped his camera bag on the arm chair by the door. His dorm room smelled like spaghetti, and its decor that so closely resembled a certain apartment back on Bushwell plaza never failed to pull on his heartstrings with sadness and nostalgia. smiling softly he moved over to the red couch in the middle of the room, straight from Bushwell Plaza and nudged his sleeping roommate.

"Carly. Carlyyy…" he cooed softly, shaking the sleeping girl's thin shoulders.

Carly swatted away Freddie's hand before she grumbled into the teddy bear she was using as a pillow and sleepily pushed herself up. "Hey Freddie." she mumbled as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and smoothed her long dark hair. Freddie smiled softly, thinking his best friend still looked beautiful even after she had just slept for hours on a teddy bears tummy.

"Got you something." he said handing her the latte which she took with a smile.

"How was filming?" Carly asked, scooting over on her brother's old couch to make room for Freddie.

Freddie sat down next to her and leaned his head back against the couch. "Surprisingly good. Rebecca didn't explode and Kevin didn't completely fry the lighting system so we actually got the second part done." Rebecca, his lead actress, was notoriously famous for her frequent violent tantrums and Kevin, his friendly but clumsy light man was, well. Clumsy.

Carle, who knew Rebecca and Kevin personally, giggled and leaned forward to set her latte on the table Freddie's feet were currently resting on. She gave a sleepy sigh and turned toward Freddie, her expression now somber. "Anything today?" she asked with her large dark eyes on his shirt collar. She never met his eyes with this question.

Freddie's heart coughed and his throat closed up. The all too familiar sting of tears that bites his eyelids everyday when she asks him. He closes his eyes and rolls his head from side to side. "No." he answered shortly. He opened his eyes and looked at Carly, who still had her eyes trained on the buttons on his throat.

"You?" he asked her.

She shook her head in minute movements. Her eyes were dry. They were both used to this pain by now. Freddie swallowed and reached around Carly's shoulders, pulling her small figure to him. She had gotten so small since she left. Carly followed easily and nuzzled her head into the crook of Freddie's shoulder. Freddie ran his fingers through her long thick hair and mentally cursed her, screamed insults in his head that he hoped would reach her wherever she had gone.

He Carly and Sam had all graduated from Ridgeway together, he and Carly as number five and six in there class, with Sam at number two hundred and thirty five, but still she did it with her huge smile in place as she was just happy to walk across that stage and stand in between them in the photo of their class. She almost hadn't done it. She had developed a smidge of a drug problem halfway through there senior year and she fell so far behind there was talk that she wouldn't make it to graduation. A shudder passed through Freddie as he remembers those weeks almost two years ago, when she had gotten shockingly thin and spent most of her time crying. But she was strong. And she beat her addiction and managed to pull up her grades to graduate just at the bottom of the class. But she was happy to do it.

Sadness rippled through Freddie as he remembers their graduation party. She wore that blue dress that made her new healthy figure look just amazing. Her hair was that shiny gold again instead of the dirty yellow gray it had been for the past few months. Her smile was back. She had spent the entire night hugging him and Carly, tears constantly in her eyes because she did it. He leans and presses his mouth against Carly's forehead. Not kissing her, just resting there. Her hand toys with the frayed edge of his shirt. He remembers her leading him outside. Remembers her telling him how _i couldn't have made it without you Freddie_. Remembers her leaning towards him and whispering that _you're my best friend _before kissing him softly.

Two weeks later she happily announced that her mother was taking her and Melanie to California for a month. He had smiled and Carly gabbed about how jealous she was. And they smiled for the entire week before they each hugged her and watched her enter the airport where her mother waited.

They didn't worry for the first week when she hadn't called or texted either of them. They laughed it all off saying how she was probably having the time of her life in California. Carly spoke of all the cute things she would buy. Freddie spoke of how good she would look with a tan. And they both smiled for their best friend. And all the while his mouth still tingled.

They didn't worry for the first two weeks when she still hadn't called or texted either of them. They laughed it all off, saying how she was too busy enjoying California to remember them back in little old Seattle. Carly spoke of how she was probably learning to surf, Freddie spoke in worry of the boys she might meet, which made Carly laugh. And they both smiled for their friend.

Carly twisted in his lap and leaned her head against his other shoulder and he held her like a child. He didn't look down at her and he knew she wasn't looking at him. Freddie loved Carly with all his heart, and he was so happy that he had gotten over her and could love her like the sister he had always wanted. All it took was one blonde headed demon and a lingering kiss on a dark fire escape.

They did worry when the call came three weeks after she left.

_"Hi Carly, sorry to bother you, but have you seen Sam? She hasn't been home for awhile now, and i know she's probably with you, but i just wanted to be sure." Came Melanie's voice from Carly's pear phone. _

_"What are you talking about? Sam went to to California with you and your mom, right?" Carly answered nervously, her hand unconsciously finding Freddie's and squeezing tight. _

_"California? We never even planned to go there; we thought she was staying with you!" Melanie sounded panicked. _

_"Oh my god." tears fell down Carly's face as she dropped her cell phone and fell to the floor, curling up on herself. In a panic Freddie yanked out his own phone and dialed the number he had memorized by now. _

_"Hi you reached Sam's phone. If you don't know what to do at the beep, i can't help you." _

_His heart dropped, and he fell to the floor, wrapping his arms around Carly's shaking body as he felt his world crashing down around him. The girl he loved was gone. And they hadn't even been worried... _

He shakes his head slightly and refuses to let the tears fall, the anger and bitterness still heavy on his chest. Of course the answer was no. it was always no. of course she hadn't called. It had been two years. Why the hell would she call? He forces himself to calm down before he throws something.

He finally looks down at Carly and smiles. She looks back up at him, the light back in her eyes. "Don't worry, she's alright, wherever she is." he told her the same thing everyday, and everyday she nodded, forcing herself to believe him.

"I know." she murmured, sitting up from her place in his lap.

"I'm hungry." Freddie says, turning to her with a smile.

She returns his smile. "Spaghetti taco's?" she asks with her signature Carly shoulder wiggle. Happy to see her perkiness had returned, he stood and helped her up.

"Por Favor." He answered with a smirk.

"Follow me." she chirped, breezing past him to there small kitchen where the smell of spaghetti was wafting from.

Freddie watched from his place until he heard Carly bustling around the kitchen before pulling out his phone and dialing the number he had dialed every single day for the past two years.

_"Hi you reached Sam's phone. If you don't know what to do at the beep, i can't help you." _

He sighed, closed his phone and followed Carly into the kitchen, his smile still frozen in place.

* * *

to my lovely iCarly readers, im sorry i havent given you a good story in awhile, i've been writing Saving You for awhile, but i finally got this one written:) i've been dying to do another multichapter iCarly story for awhile but couldnt think of a good enough plot but i've got it:)) enjoy, read, review please:) i do love your feedback, it keeps me encouraged to keep writing.

love lizzie:)

p.s. how excited are you for iPsycho!:D


	2. Pushing down Emotions

"How's it looking Gibbs?" Freddie called over his shoulder as he angled the camera down to catch the passionate kiss going on on the set below him.

"Looking good Fredman." Answered a no longer chubby Gibby from over his shoulder as he held up the boom mike with his thick arms. Freddie flashed him a thumbs up under the arm that was holding the camera and crouched down and moved slightly to the left, trying to catch both Rebecca and Sebastians faces as they kissed on the couch that Gibby leaned over.

Freddie watched, enthralled at how good this was actually coming out as Rebecca broke the kiss and fluttered her heavily mascaraed eyelashes at the camera before glancing back down at Sebastian.

"I'm sorry Kirk, but i just can't do this anymore." Rebecca whispered dramatically as she pushed herself off the couch as hurried off the set, adding along a few fake sobs for good measure. Freddie followed her exit before turning the camera back to Sebastian who was watching Rebecca leave with a destroyed expression on his face.

"No, Tatiana wait!" he cried as he too removed himself from the couch and following Rebecca. Freddie caught his retreat and waited for two seconds after his departure before standing up.

"And were clear!" He exclaimed happily, turning off the camera and facing his crew with a wide grin. "Great job guys." He said, ignoring the tug of sadness that came every time he said those words and slapped a high five with Gibby who by now, curse all the unfairness in the world, was taller than him. Rebecca and Sebastian both walked back onto the set, well more like Rebecca strutted and Sebastian wiggled, tossing his bright pink hair out of his eyes with a girlish flick of his wrist. Freddie thought Sebastian was a wonderful actor but out of respect for cinema the film was shot in black and white, so Sebastian would appear a gentle shade of blonde.

"Yeah yeah, wonderful job blah blah blah, can we end this now?" Rebecca snapped impatiently at Freddie, who had been preoccupied with putting his camera away. "You kept us here way later than usual and I'm starving!" she huffed, tossing her long red hair over her shoulder and placing her hands on her slender hips. "Well?" She demanded again as Freddie failed to answer her.

"Yes yes fine go!" Freddie shot back at her with a glare over his shoulder. It was a daily thing with them, fighting. They were constantly at each others throats and he was usually to blame whenever she lost control and unleashed hurricane Rebecca on the set. He didn't really know why he fought with Rebecca, she was stubborn, immature, unpredictable and downright infuriating, but he told himself that he had grown up accustomed to having someone to fight with, and he was using the fiery redhead as his new arguing partner to fill the void.

Rebecca smirked, glad to have gotten a rise out of him, slinked over to where he was kneeling by his camera bag with his back to her and ran her manicured fingers through his thick brown hair.

"So when are you going to stop playing games and go out with me Freddie?" Freddie heard her croon from above his head and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Sometimes she gave him whiplash, her demeanor changed so suddenly.

"Weren't you starving or something Rebecca?" He asked snarkishly with a smirk as he stood and faced her. He watched her haughty though beautiful features contort in annoyance and she snarled at him.

"Nerd." She spat out before spinning on her heel and stalking from the studio, her long red hair swaying behind her.

"Nice one man, I'm surprised she hasn't quit yet." Gibby said from his place on the couch where he had flopped himself down during his and Rebecca's conversation.

"Nah, if she quits then the whole school won't get to see her in her bra and god forbid that happened, vain bitch." Sebastian spoke up as he gracefully rose off the couch where he had been daintily perched next to Gibby. "Woman loves her boobies."He added as he gathered his prada bag and wrapped his silken scarf around his skinny neck. "Ta ta cuties." He called over his shoulder as he swayed after Rebecca and left the studio.

Freddie sighed as he walked over and took Sebastian's spot on the couch next to Gibby. "I'm so tired. I'm going to melt into a puddle of Freddie. You're going to have to carry me back to my room in a bucket." he moaned as he leaned his head back and threw his arms over his head. He heard Gibby chuckle lightly before his cell phone rang.

"Hello?" he heard Gibby answer smoothly, switching on the charm he had gained as a football player. "Well hello Daphne..." Freddie smiled under his arms and shook his head as he listened to Gibby make his plans to meet yet another girl in yet another bar that would end, like they all did, back in his dorm room. Gibby was quite the slut.

"Aren't you still with Tasha?" Freddie inquired as he heard Gibby snap his phone shut.

"Yeah, but what she doesn't know can't hurt her." Gibby reasoned as he buttoned up his coat and hauled his bag over his shoulder. "I'm meeting Daph at McNeil's for drinks, want to come and bring Carly?"

"Nah I'm good Gibbs, and Carly doesn't drink remember?" Freddie answered as he and Gibby left the now dark studio together and set foot outside into the billowing snow.

"Always the same excuses, you know you can't hide in your dorm room forever Fredman, you need to live life again." His friend turned his wide brown eyes to him. "You can't put your life on pause just because you're waiting for Sam to come back."

Freddie sighed, knowing Gibby was right but suddenly didn't have the energy to justify his statement with a response. They walked in silence until an uncomfortable pressure was building up in Freddie's chest and he couldn't take the silence anymore.

"I'll see you later Gibby." He mumbled, hurrying away from Gibby and mentally cursing himself. Keep it together Benson. He never allowed himself to go to pieces when he though of Sam because he never allowed himself to think about her save for the minute of two a day when he and Carly would ask each other the daily question. He shook his head and turned his face up and let it take the brunt of the merciless assault of the wind and snow.

It took him a good ten minutes for him to fight his way through the storm and find his way to his building. Once he had opened the door to his dorm the familiar scent of what he called home immediately soothed his frazzled nerves and he allowed his body to sag against the door frame with his eyes closed, his mind idly drifting back to a time when he was fifteen, and the scent of home was Carly's house and he was able to see Sam everyday…

A gentle snore awoke Freddie from his musings and with an amused smile he found Carly once again passed out on the couch in front of the TV, an empty coffee mug in her hands and the teddy bear back in place under her head. He felt a tug of guilt as he realized she had been trying to stay awake so he wouldn't have to be alone when he got back. He reached forward ad took the coffee mug form her tiny hands and placed it on the table before gathering Carly in his arms and lifting her as gingerly as he could. He carried her out of the living room and was halfway down the hall when her eyes lids gave a sleepy stir and she fluttered her eyes open to look up at Freddie.

"Your home late." She mumbled into his chest.

Freddie smiled softly before mumbling a "Sorry." in reply.

"'s-okay…"Carly sighed out before she rolled her head back against his arm and fixing his chin with her large dark eyes. "Anything today?"

Freddie felt two iron hands clamp down on his windpipe and he felt the same crushing pressure on his chest that he had fought to keep down in front of Gibby rise back to the surface and his face burned. He waited a couple of seconds for the feeling to subside before giving her his usual curt reply.

"No."

They had reached Carly's room and Freddie gently deposited his friend onto her bed where she promptly curled up like a cat as he pulled the blanket over her and tucked it under her chin. "Me neither, but what else is new." Carly said softly into her pillow. She blinked before looking back up at Freddie. "I miss her." she said bluntly, the pain behind her voice causing a lump to rise I Freddie's throat that he had to swallow before answering her.

"So do I Carls."

Carly frowned sleepily before she rolled over and emitted a muffled "Goodnight Freddie." and resumed her gently snoring.

Freddie clicked off her light and quietly closed her door before retreating to the other side of the apartment like dorm to his own room. He pulled of his clothes, now cold and wet from the snow and slid into his pajamas before throwing himself down on his bed and staring up at the ceiling, allowing the crushing feelings he pushed down all day to rise to the surface and push out two tears from his eyes. He missed Sam. He missed her so much it hurt. He knew it would be awhile before he could get to sleep, as he spent the majority of every night laying awake, staring at the ceiling and silently obsessing over his missing blonde friend.

He rolled over and picked up his phone and dialed the number without looking and placed the phone by his ear, needing to hear her voice, needing the reassurance that he still had some of her with him.

_"Hi you reached Sam's phone. If you don't know what to do at the beep, i can't help you." _

To my reviewers:

* * *

**fatpeoplearesexier**: Aw thank you:) im so happy you like. hope this update was soon enough for you.

**VeVe2491**:it was really sweet wasnt it^-^ im so happy you enjoyed it. hope i didnt keep you waiting too long.

**V**:you know lol after you posted that i was all oh gosh where is this gonna go? lol you gave me something to think about:)

**CouldIBeMoreRandom**: brilliant you say:) well i say thank you! i really hope you enjoyed this chapter

**frontman19**: thank you so much for your review! nope my friend rest assured this is not a one shot. i really do hope you enjoy this.

**SeddieXandXFax**:Thank you:) i know i went back and realised all of my mistakes in the summary and fixed it just for you:)im so happy you liked the first chapter.

**Kpfan72491**: Thanks!^-^

**Degrassi223**: no worries my friend there shall be Seddie!...but not yet:) and dont panic you will find out what happened to our blonde headed demon soon!thank you for reviewing:)

**lilypad456**: updated just for you:)enjoy

**Lonesome. Stranger**: of course i missed you! you always make me smile when you review my stories and i'm actually really happy you said you were reviewing every chapter cuz now i know i can at least look forward to one review per chapter:)im excited your excited:)

**lovelyMESS**: lol i know, it sounds just like something sam would have as her voicemail lol. and dont worry about your scream i tend to spaz out in my reviews to :D your in vegas! lucky cookie. hope you enjoyed this

And to all of you thank you so so so so much for reviewing:) i was thrilled! 11 reviews on one chapter. better than i hoped for. i really hope this chapter was alright you guys i really want to make you all happy. tell me what you think and i will love you for it:)

love lizzie:)

GAH! iPsycho is on tonight! can't wait. my fingers are crossed for some Seddie:)


	3. Outstretched Fingers

Tiny little authors note: sorry if you guys thought my last chapter was pointless, its just that Rebecca is important later on and it was just plot devolopment:)) if that last one dissapointed you then i hope this makes up for it. enjoy, read, review my beloved readers:)

love lizzie:)

* * *

"Mr. Benson, would you care to join us in the land of the living?"

Freddie woke with a start and head snapped off the desk as he wildly looked around. His elderly professor and the entire class what now watching him with amused expressions and in one case a heavy scowl. He massaged his temple roughly and removed the pencil that was sticking to the side of his face. "Sorry professor." Freddie mumbled, casting his eyes back down to the text book he was supposed to be following from.

The professor glared at him for another long second before turning her face back to the chalkboard and continuing with her lecture. Freddie's head was beginning to throb painfully with fatigue. He had hardly gotten any sleep in the past week, and living off of a diet of coffee, Red Bull and gum really wasn't helping his situation any more. A flash of red caught his eye and he turned to find Rebecca smirking at him evilly from her place three rows ahead of him. she flashed her eyebrows up at him and he responded quickly by giving her the loveliest view of his middle finger complete with a condescending smile, which had her turning back to the front of the classroom with a scowl rather quickly.

After that time had seemed to deliberately move as slowly as possible. Minutes seemed to stretch into hours for Freddie and he found himself fighting with all his might to keep himself awake and to keep his head from flopping uselessly on top of his textbook. When the professor finally put down her chalk and dismissed all of them Freddie forced himself from his chair and joined the three hundred students filing from the auditorium and eased himself through the door, extraordinarily great full that this was the last class he had scheduled for today and he was looking forward to the four hour nap he could have before he would have to return to the studio to continue filming.

His mind was so preoccupied with thoughts of his nap and trying to stay awake long enough to get through the snow to his dorm room that it took him a few seconds to realize that his phone was vibrating happily in his pocket. He fumbled for it for a bit before he managed to pull it out of his pocket and answer it.

"Lo?" he said, trying to sound as awake as possible in case it was his mother. He wasn't in the mood for a "you need to sleep more" lecture from his mother.

"Freddie! Oh my god Freddie where are you?" Carly's shrill voice pierced through Freddie's sleep clogged brain, shaking him awake.

"Carly? I just left the English building why what's the matter?" his heart automatically sped up and he stopped walking to listen.

"You need to get down to the Coffee House NOW!" Carly practically yelled at him. "I'm freaking out Freddie freaking out!" She babbled.

"Carls, that's all the way at the other end of the campus, cant you just tell me what it is?" Freddie whined, already walking in the other direction despite his complaints.

"No I cannot Fredward Benson! Now hurry and get your techy little butt over here now!" Carly ordered, her voice squeaking right before she abruptly ended the call.

Freddie sighed, shoved his phone back into his pocket and continued to crunch his way over the three inches of snow that blanketed the university. He walked as quickly as he could; knowing Carly was probably having a heart attack for every second he kept her waiting. It took him ten full minutes to cross the campus and get to the Coffee House. He stepped inside and was immediately soothed by the low lighting and gentle aroma of coffee and tea and chocolate that always fragranced the atmosphere. He found Carly waving frantically at him from a booth across the small room and he moved to slide into the booth across from her.

"What's going on Car-" Freddie began before Carly cut him off.

"She called me." She said bluntly, thrusting her pear phone into Freddie's hands.

Time seemed to stop moving and all the oxygen suddenly vanished from the room. Freddie couldn't breathe. "What?" He demanded in a whisper, hoping against hope Carly wasn't just playing with him.

"Sam, she called me, during my math class." Carly took her phone back from him and began pushing buttons, going through to her call history and handing the phone back to Freddie. He took it with trembling fingers and almost started crying when he read **Sam: 3:47 p.m. **He looked back at Carly, who was watching him with a bitten lower lip and overly shiny eyes, as though she was holding back tears as well.

"Did you answer?" Freddie asked with a trembling voice.

"Yes, I ran out of the room to answer as soon as I saw who it was, but when I answered, I didn't hear anything, the call just ended, and I called her back like four times and nothing, just went straight to her stupid voicemail." Carly sniffed, looking extremely disgruntled.

Freddie exhaled deeply, staring at her name for another minute before pressing the call button and lifting Carly's phone up to his ear. He listened to it ring and watched her eyes shine as she leaned forward, her hands clasped tightly over her mouth.

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ring._

_"Hi you reached Sam's phone. If you don't know what to do at the beep, i can't help you." _

"Fuck!" Freddie cried out almost a little too loudly as he threw Carly's phone down on the table between them. Carly watched her phone bounce on the hard table and finally come to rest at the end but didn't make any move to get it. She left it there and continued to watch Freddie. Freddie ran a hand angrily through his hair and fought to keep his breathing under control. Blood was pounding in his ears and he could feel his face flush with anger. She had finally called them after two years of ignoring them and she doesn't have the audacity to answer. He hid his face in his hands and fought the tears until he felt a thin arm around his shoulders. He looked up to see a damp faced Carly had slid into the seat next to him and had wrapped her arm around him. He returned her small smile and settled his head into the crook of her shoulder. She rested her head on his and sighed.

"Don't worry Freddie; I'm sure she's alright, where ever she is." Carly murmured, echoing the reassurance he told her every night when she was in his position of utter helplessness. He chuckled slightly and sighed.

"Yeah…"

* * *

She turned in the darkness and stared at the naked boy who had just started snoring loudly in the bed next to her. She didn't even know his name and she seriously doubted he remembered hers. She stared down at her own naked body and felt the small lunch she had managed to force down start to come back up. She rolled off the bed and stumbled to the bathroom, only managing to get to the toilet as she violently emptied her stomach. She wiped her mouth and fell back against the wall. She was trembling and she felt extremely cold though it was almost eighty degrees outside. She wrapped her skeletal arms around herself as her shaking became more violent.

On unsteady hands she crawled over back to the bed, dragging her weak body to the bag that had been carelessly thrown down. The small wad of bills the naked boy had handed her was still sitting innocently on the floor a few inches from her bag. She shoved it inside bag with shaking fingers before digging through the old bag for the bottle of pills that she knew was in here somewhere. She located the prodigal bottle and shook out about five of the little orange pills, shoving them into her mouth before she bothered to count them. She stopped caring how many she swallowed a long time ago. Two years ago.

She waits for the drugs to work there way into her bloodstream and she is hit with the force of the drugs. Her shakes become more violent and the room starts to spin as she starts to sweat. Her breathing constricts and she can't see straight anymore. She rolls to her back and tries to calm her pounding heart. She begins to panic. She's going to die she's sure of it. She can't breathe anymore.

She slowly stretches out her fingers to the phone that rolled out of the bag and is laying a few inches from her face. She presses buttons without thinking of them, the only thing on her mind is Carly, her best friend she's almost positive she had at one point. She doesn't really remember. It had been years. Ages. Eons.

She doesn't notice that the phone clutched in her tiny hand is making a call. She can barely register the faint ringing noises. It isn't until she hears a voice she hasn't heard in a lifetime on the other end of the line.

"_Hello? Sam is that you?" _

She panics and hit's the END button so violently she hurts her hand. Tears began to fall down her face in thick streams and she curls up on herself, sobbing the names _Carly, Freddie, Spencer_…names that feel like a foreign language on her tongue. She throws her phone across the floor, sobbing louder, not caring if she woke up naked boy. She lets herself cry for the first time in two years, lets all the emotions she's been pushing down with her pills finally spill over the surface. She cries.

Her phone begins to vibrate across the room, but she makes no move to get it. It seems to vibrate for hours and all the while she stays curled up on herself, sobbing into her dirty yellow hair.

* * *

To my reviewers:

**Kpfan72491**: thank you! I'm happy you like my story enough to keep reviewing:)

**Lonesome. Stranger**: lol duh sebastians gay silly:)sorry if that sounded rude. I'm thrilled you liked that chapter. i really hope you enjoyed this one even better! i do love your reviews so much, thank you for taking the time to read my work. worms:)

**VeVe2491**: updated just for you this time!:) hope this didnt take too long for your liking.

**CouldIBeMoreRandom**: I'm soo happy you love it! i updated!

**PsychoticAppleSauce:** iPsycho was so cool! anyways, nominated for what? lol sorry i was so confused when i read that. i'm really happy you enjoy this, i hope this chapter was to your liking.:)

**edwardcullenlovesmemore:** thank you:) lol everyone seems to love the voicemail. dont worry i shall continue to update:)

**ddawg5018**: Updated:) thank you for your kind words

**Pixie555**:Aw lol im sorry if i made you cry, thank you for your review though:) and never fear we will find out where she's been soon enough.

**v**:I gave you your clue:) i hope you enjoy. and no dont worry you didnt throw me off my concept or anything you just made me think, and i got it:))) thanks!

**lilypad456**: i know lol Gibby as a slut is a tad shocking. and dont worry its not going to go anywhere romantic:) i dont ship Creddie, no offence. and of course Sam will show soon:))) thank you for your reviw:))

**SeddieXandXFax**: thank you thank you thank you:)) that meant the world to me.

**Lanter**:lol thank you:) i'm happy you enjoyed the beginning. i really do hope you like the rest of the fic:)

And again thank you to everyone who reviews this or has this on there favorites or alert lists:) i'm actually really thrilled so many of you like this:) 12 reviews on that last chapter:) i almost cried i was so happy! I LOVE YOU ALL.


	4. A Decision

_"I've got a pulse..."_

_"Is she stable?"_

_"I think so...I've got eye movement._

_"Hello? Miss?"_

Her head hurt. Badly. Her temples were throbbing and her eyes felt so heavy. The room was too bright. So bright. Way to bright. She scrunched up her eyes and turned her head to the side. She couldn't move her head. She opened her eyes slowly. There were people around her. So many people. People in masks. It was so bright. Her head hurt.

"Miss? Miss Benson are you alright?" the person holding her head straight asked her. Who the hell is Miss Benson? She thought blearily. The hands released her head and it fell to the left, where she saw her arm covered with bandages and needles. She never noticed how white her skin was. A bracelet dangled from her skeletal wrist. _Samantha Benson._ Her last name wasn't Benson. Who was Benson? The hands recaptured her head and her eyes were forced back up to the light. A face swam into her head. Thick brown hair. Slanted brown eyes. That mouth. Freddie. The name came to her before she recognized the face. Freddie Benson. That's who. What was her last name again?

"Are you alright miss?" one of the nurses asked loudly again. A nurse. That's what she was.

"Where am i?" her throat burned and it hurt her to speak. "What happened." she didn't remember anything after naked boy left, after she called Carly..._Carly..._

"Your at L.A. Emergency, you overdosed on something, we just pumped your stomach. Ma'am are you on any illegal drugs?" a hand holding her eye open. A flashlight right in her face. She couldn't move her head. The emergency room?

"No, there prescription." she hears herself mumble through her swollen throat.

"Were they your prescription Miss Benson?"

"No..." She mumbles again. Someone took her other hand she felt a pinch as another needle is slid into the vein on her hand, the only one she had left that hadn't collapsed. She tried to swallow. The room was losing its focus and sharpness. She couldn't hold her eyes open anymore. It was getting so dark.

* * *

"Yes mom i am showering daily!"

"And the ticks Freddie-"

"I've never had ticks mom!"

"They hide in your leg hair!"

"I'm leaving now mother!"

"Freddie-!" Marissa Benson's outcry was cut off by Freddie slamming the door of his mother's apartment. He released a sigh as the filled with silence and he slumped against the door, suddenly remembering why he never went to see his mother anymore. Ticks. Honestly.

He shoved himself off the door and crossed the hallway to Carly's old apartment, inserting the key she had given him back in high school and opening the door, slightly surprised that his mother hadn't opened the door and continued to pester him about bathing.

He opened the door and smiled softly. The apartment looked exactly the same, just missing the couch that now sat cozily in his dorm room, replaced by a squashy purple couch that already had paint stains on it. The room still smelled like his sophomore year. He leaned against the door way, the smile still softly playing on his mouth before he yelled into the apartment.

"Spencer!"

A loud thump of a heavy object being dropped followed by a howl of pain echoed down the hall from Spencer's room, shocking Freddie from his place on the door way and he moved into the apartment.

"Spencer? You okay?" he called from the landing of the stairs, having learned long ago that you don't go into Spencer's room. For anything.

"I'm fine! Just dropped a weight on my foot!" Came Spencer's strangled voice as said man came hobbling down the hallway, clutching his foot in his hands, a pained expressions on his face. Freddie always felt sad when he saw Spencer. His eyes used to shine and blaze with joy and creativity, but the light had dimmed considerably when Sam disappeared. The worry lines that appeared when Sam began to grow thin there senior year were now etched permanently into his face, aging him by another five years. His long hair that still brushed his shoulders was thinner that it had ever been when Freddie was in high school, and his strong shoulders were slumped with stress. Spencer had been hit particularly hard by Sam leaving. Again Freddie sent mental curses at her for hurting those who loved her.

"Why were you playing with weights Spencer?" Freddie asked with a smirk, watching Spencer hobble to the squashy couch and sinking into it, still clutching his foot.

"Working out..." Spencer mumbled sheepishly as he watched Freddie over his shoulder. Freddie chuckled. Only Spencer could manage to injure himself while working out.

"Carly here yet?" Freddie asked as he sat himself down at the computer, facing away from Spencer as he sulked. He watched the screen saver play, feeling the pain pulling on his heartstrings. Pictures of him, Carly and Sam at there graduation party, Sam in that blue dress, at the pool with Sam on his shoulder as Carly laughed from her perch on Spencer's shoulders, the three of them in there graduation gowns, he and Carly in white with ropes around there shoulders and Sam grinning at them in her blue gown in between them, her robe free of medals or pins, he and Sam screaming at each other about god knows what, both of their faces smeared with what looked like cake, the three of them in the iCarly studio upstairs, shooting the very last iCarly episode right before Sam disappeared...

Freddie tore his face away from the computer as he tried to focus on what Spencer was saying.

"-Something about calculus, be here in awhile-"

"Huh?" Freddie asked, feeling bad for ignoring Spencer.

Spencer turned to Freddie with a frown, which softened when he saw the screen saver behind Freddie. Freddie felt a smile grace his features. Spencer understood. Spencer always understood.

"Anything today?" Spencer asked quietly, his eyes shining the same way Carly's did whenever he asked this question

Freddie swallowed. Sam hadn't called again after yesterday, nor had she answered her phone the fourteen, fifteen time Freddie had called her. He felt so stupid, fighting back tears after every time he heard her fucking voicemail, dialing her number over and over, feeling like a love struck teenager all over again when he finally threw his phone across his room and sinking down onto his bed with his head in his hands. Forcing himself not to cry as he knew Carly was listening outside his door.

"No." Freddie answered shortly, swallowing the memory of last night back down his throat. "Not since yesterday."

Spencer nodded thoughtfully and they both sank back down into there own memories, silence filling the apartment.

The door banged open and a flustered Carly stumbled in, her coat and scarf falling off her shoulders as she struggled to keep hold on the books she was holding. Her face was bright pink with cold and snow clung to her hair. Both men jumped off there respective sitting places and each took one of her books in each hand.

"Freddie your mother needs help!" Carly exclaimed loudly, stamping her foot and sounding harassed.

"we all know that Carls. What makes you say this now?" Freddie laughed.

"She constantly insists on spraying me with that disgusting disinfectant spray every time I come here, is used to live here you know!" Carly huffed indignantly, shaking her head free of snow. "When is she going to get it through her head that were not sleeping together?"

"When I move back in." Freddie answered as he dropped Carly's book on the couch. Carly rolled her eyes and straightened her coat over her shoulders. "We going to go eat now?" Carly asked her brother, seeming to forget about Freddie's germ phobic mother.

"Yes we eat!" Spencer cried enthusiastically as he scampered out the door, his little sister at his heels. Freddie smiled as he watched them race out the door and down the staircases. He turned back into the apartment where most of his adolescents was spent and with one last look at the screensaver, shut the door behind him.

* * *

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Beep._

Beeping noises. It wasn't bright anymore. Now it was dark. She could breathe again. Her throat still hurt. Burned. She forced her eyes open. A hospital room, bare and white. She looked down, a hospital gown, wires running from her to the machines that beeped around her. Needles. She hated needles. That was why she stopped using them. Her head rolled to the side. Her old bag was lazily thrown on the table next to her bed. Her phone was flashing. She reached slowly for the back and dug around. The wad of bills form naked boy was still there. Her pills weren't.

She felt herself pout childishly as she continues to search in vain for her pills. Instead she finds her phone. She pulls it out and checks it. Twenty missed calls. Four from Carly, sixteen from Freddie. Carly…Freddie…so they were real. Her heart throbbed painfully at the thought of them. Guilt, missing someone. They were foreign feelings to her. Something other than the pill induced stupor she floated through.

She slowly sat up, carefully removed the tubes and needles from her arms and stood up as carefully as possible, trying her hardest to ignore the throbbing in her head. She looked around, saw her clothes folded on a chair and pulled them on. Her arms and legs were painfully sore. She forced her tired feet into her heels that she despised and gathered her bag in her arms as she snuck from her room and down the darkened hallway.

She didn't meet anyone as she stumbled down hallway after hallway. After what seemed like hours she finally fell through a set of doors and was hit with cool breeze that always smelled like smog. She shook her head and fought down the nausea that suddenly attacked her. She turned toward the HOLLYWOOD sign that she stared at everyday, the sign that once made her smile and gave her hope, now seemed to mock her with its empty promise. She looked from the sign, back down to her phone, back to the sign, to the phone.

Closing her eyes breathing deeply, she tightened her grip on her phone as she raised her hand for a passing taxi. One finally pulled up and she collapsed in the back seat. Mumbling "Airport." and leaning her head against the seat. She turned slightly and watched the HOLLYWOOD sign get smaller and smaller and fade as they drove away. She turned her head back to the street in front of her, clutching her phone to her chest.

She was going home.

* * *

To my reviewers.

**Kpfan72491:**I know:(

**PsychoticAppleSauce:** Well I don't know if you consider this happy, but it is hopefull:) and dont worry she will find them soon. thanks for reviewing:)

**ddawg5018**: me neither:) soon my friend soon

**frontman19:**but of course she's bound to show up soon:)you'll learn more soon i promise

**CouldIBeMoreRandom**: THANK YOU!:)

**VeVe429**1: Shambles! i love that word! i might use it later.:)once again updated for you!

**lo**:thank you:)

**SeddieXandXFax**:Aw! thats so sweet of you! and dont worry she will find them soon:)

**sweetgirl8353**: updated:)enjoy

**lilypad4567:** yes i know, tis shocking!:) updated for you

**Lonesome .Stranger.:**oh your so lucky cuz you get a new laptop! how neat. once again thank you for your lovely review, i always look forward to them! lol thanks for thanking the alien king for me:)worms.

**Lanter:** why yes you whill:D never fear all shall be explained.

**lovelyMESS**: sorry it wasnt in two days:( i was stuck at my dad's house and couldnt write, i felt awful for making you wait. and dont feel bad that you didnt review that last chapter, im just happy you reviewed at all:) and your absolutely right about me switching tenses, i tend to do that alot and im workin on fixing that.

**thetiaraclub**: here'smore:) thank you!

Oh my gooshness! fourteen reviews! oh you all are making me the happiest person alive :) im so thrilled you all like this so much, i really wasnt expecting this kind of reaction. i love you all. read enjoy review my beautiful readers:)

love lizzie:)

p.s. IM TURNING 18 ON THE 22ND! SO EXCITED!:D


	5. More like Herself

_'Vous s'il vous plaît me remettre le fromage puant?' Okay that means...it means...Holy chizz what does it mean!_

Freddie was screaming mentally at himself. He knew this. He was very good at French, he had mastered the language once he had mastered Spanish, but for the life of him he couldn't figure out what the damn sentence meant. He groaned and let his head flop onto his arms on his desk, earning him glares from the people around him.

_Come on Benson, it's your final, FOCUS!_ He silently berated himself.

He ground his teeth in frustration. It had been a week since Sam had called Carly and he had spent the better part of five hours throwing a tantrum because she wouldn't answer his calls, and he hadn't been able to focus on anything to save his life. He didn't even remember that Monday had been the start of finals week and was spending most of each night studying like a madman to make up for the lost time. He estimated that he had slept for about seven hours total in the last seven days and his head hurt so badly his eyeballs felt like they were gong to explode out of his head. He was furious with himself and the fact that even though she had disappeared from his life over two years ago she still had the ability to fuck with his head.

"Attention students, you have ten minutes to finish your advanced French exam." his tiny professor squeaked from his perch on the phone books that were stacked on his chair.

_Fuck!_

Freddie's mind snapped into panic mode as his hand flew over the rest of the exam, his brain still stuck on that one damn sentence, though he was positive it had something to do with cheese...

"Time's up, please put your pencils down and fold up your test packet."

Freddie released a sigh and folded up his test packet, slamming his pencil down as he did so. He was so happy that this was his last final for the week and that he was done, and now all he had to do was go home and get his things together. It was the last day of classes before Christmas break and he was returning to Bushwell Plaza to spend his vacation with his mother. He was looking forward to spending those four weeks back at his old apartment, spending every day at Carly's with her and Spencer. It would be just like old times.

Almost.

As he left the building he thought that the only bad thing about this was the fact that he would have to continue filming. The film was nearly complete and Sebastian was phenomenal, but lately Rebecca had been driving him insane with her petulant tantrums one second and her pining him against the wall demanding kiss the next. She was really becoming rather insufferable. But luckily they were only filming on Fridays so he wouldn't have to deal with Rebecca's crap on a daily basis anymore. Plus he was really excited for the festival the week after they returned from school. He was actually beginning to agree with Gibby's enthusiastic exclamations that they were going to win.

Freddie reached his dorm room to find most of Carly's clothes that usually decorated the couch and floor of the entire apartment had been removed, leaving the dorm looking monumentally cleaner than it had in a while. hHe ventured down the hall to Carly's room to see if she was still packing, only to find her closed door with a note taped to it.

_Freddie,_

_Last class got cancelled, left for Spencer's already. Hurry up:)_

_Carly_

Freddie smiled before turning back to his room and staring at the room he would be leaving. His smiled slipped softly as he saw the crack in the wall from where he threw his phone against the wall. He looked down at his now cracked screen. He sighed before dialing the number again, not knowing why he continued torturing himself again.

_"Hi you reached Sam's phone. If you don't know what to do at the beep, i can't-"_

He shut the phone, unable to hear it anymore.

* * *

She twisted her hands nervously in her lap as she stared out her hotel window. She forgot how much it snowed in Seattle. She could see the space needle from here, and slightly beyond that, the large clock of Bushwell plaza. Her heart thumped loudly in her throat every time she looked up at the building that held way too many memories for her to be healthy. The hands of the large clock were lightly dusted with snow, as was the window washer's platform that hung innocently underneath it. A slight dizzy spell hit her as she remembers watching her best friend dangling off the end of it as she desperately tried to pull her back up. What had they fought about? She couldn't remember. It seemed like lifetimes ago.

She couldn't stand being this close to them and she constantly fidgeted, wanting to get up and go find them and cry and tell them all how she missed them, but at the same time her reason for leaving them in the first place constantly nagged at the back of her head, forcing her to sit back down every time she made for the door. She had been back in Seattle for ten days now and had run out of money three days ago. The only reason she still had her room was because she had struck a "deal" with the manager. The feeling of his disgusting hands on her night after night repulsed her but not as much as the shame she felt every time she thought of Carly, Freddie, and Spencer. She really didn't know why she hadn't gone to find them yet. She was afraid.

They must hate her. She couldn't blame them. She was dirty, disgusting, a common whore. She couldn't remember her last proper shower. Her long blonde hair spun in tired waves and shone a dull yellow. She remembers kind words whispered to her the night of her graduation party. Freddie. Freddie spoke those words.

_You're beautiful..._

Surely she wasn't beautiful anymore. She was a filthy skeleton wearing Samantha Puckett's face. What on earth happened to Samantha Puckett she didn't remember, and she was sure they didn't care. She told them she was leaving. They didn't call after she ignored them for a week, two weeks, three. She had even told them where she was going. They didn't come look for her. She had only received one call. From Freddie. Stupid nub hadn't called her for three godamned weeks. Like hell she was going to answer.

She watched the snow fall and felt the tears glide down her face. How she wished she had answered. It would have saved her these last two years. Freddie. She suddenly felt the strangest aching for the tech nerd with the intense brown eyes that she remembered so clearly. She received a call from him every single day. Each one hurt her like physical pain. He was only calling to yell at her for hurting Carly or something. She didn't answer. She never answered. Though she found herself staring at her phone, waiting for the call she hoped would come, and would watch his name dance across her screen until her voicemail picked up. He never left a message.

God how she wished she had answered Freddie.

A knock sounded at her door followed by the seedy whisper of the greasy manager. Gross. At that moment, her phone started ringing. Her heart thumped and her stomach flipped as she stared at the name.

Freddie.

Her hand froze on the answer button before she threw her phone into her bag and scooped it up in her arms as she turned to the door. She opened it to see the ugly grin of the manager leering at her.

"I'm leaving." She spat out at him before turning and leaving down the hallway. She felt his greasy hand close around her wrist and without thinking she turned and punched him across the face with strength she didn't think she had anymore. She watched him fall to the floor without remorse and continued down the hall, shaking out her hand and feeling more like herself than she had in two years. She could almost hear Freddie's laugh of approval as she hurt someone who wasn't him.

* * *

Freddie was bored.

He had been on vacation for three days now and he was getting more and more restless by the day. He and Carly spent most of the first three days watching old iCarly episodes, but he stopped letting Carly watch them after she began sobbing uncontrollably as she watched Sam dance around with balloons on her birthday.

They had spent most of the day watching bad TV and occasionally munching on whatever it was Spencer decided to cook that day. They had been watching Girly Cow for four hours and Freddie had been wondering_ why _for the last four hours.

"I can't believe you still watch this show." He mumbled to Carly without looking at her.

"I can't believe its still running." Carly answered without looking at him.

They lapsed into a comfortable, if not boring silence for a few minutes before the loud sound of the buzzer rang through the silent apartment.

"Your buzzers buzzing." Freddie said.

"Buzzers tend to buzz." Carly answered without missing a beat.

"That is the point of buzzers." Freddie agreed.

It buzzed again.

"Aren't you going to get that?" Freddie asked.

"Aren't you?" Carly answered.

"No."

Carly frowned at him before shoving herself off the couch with an undignified "Well!" and made her way to the buzzer box.

"Yes Lewbert?" Carly called.

"There's some girl here to see you." Lewbert's screechy voice rang through the room.

"Who is she?" Carly asked.

"I DON'T KNOW!" came Lewbert's howl.

"Alright alright fine! Send her up." Carly yelled over him before sticking her tongue out at the box. She turned to Freddie and raised an eyebrow.

"It's probably Mandy or something." Freddie answered her unasked question. Mandy was one of their more frequent visitors. She was deeply saddened by Sam leaving and had been reduced to a rather mellow girl over the years and as annoying as she used to be it broke Freddie's heart whenever he saw her.

Carly nodded and hovered by the door, waiting for whoever it was to come up, idly watching the TV. It took whoever it was to get up and Freddie found his attention slowly return to the TV.

A knock sounded at the door. A soft, nearly hesitant knock. Carly snapped her attention away from the TV and opened the door. Freddie turned his head to see who it was.

And he could swear he felt the earth stop spinning.

* * *

To my reviewers:

**Kpfan72491:**Aww thank you, its not for another four days but your a sweetie anyways:) here's your chapter

**PsychoticAppleSauce:** thank you:) im always happy to get your review:) thank you on the happy birthday also

**frontman19:** i already explained to you:) sorry if i had you confused, thank you for your review

**ddawg5018:** here's your update:) everyones reactions lol. your funny:)

**CouldIBeMoreRandom: **thank you thank you thank you:) your sweet

**sweetgirl8353: **Here it is!:)

**thetiaraclub**: lol thank you for my 43rd review:)im so happy you like the story. let me know how you like this chapter:)

**SeddieXandXFax:** Aww im blushing:) lol Beastly! ah that made my day. i love your reviews. i update for readers like you:)

**Flutter360**: thank you:)i kept writing lol. hope you like

**iizninja**: oh gosh you scared me lol. i was all aw they hated it:( then i read the rest of your review lol. i hope you enjoyed this as well as my other work:)

**Seddielovergrl:** sorry i made you cry:) im happy you like this.

**lilypad456**: thank you:)

**Lanter:** im actually really thrilled your getting so into it:)

**Lonesome. Stranger:** All hail the Alien Princess:) lol your silly. have i mentioned that i adore your reviews? cuz i do:) thank you so much, im happy your still reading my wormy little friend:)

**VeVe2491:** YESS!YESS!SEDDIE!:) lol there shall be seddie soon.

**Gold. Glitter. Black. Mascara.** :thank you:) love the pen name by the way

lol sorry about the french at the begining:) i just learned french and i just had to show off:)by the way it means **would you please hand me the stinky cheese:) **just in case you were wondering.

oh gooshness:) sixteen reviews! i exploded i was so happy i literally exploded! they hosed me off the walls:) oh god im so excited for this story! im so happy you all like it so much, and as usual thank you for everyone who keeps reviewing or even if you dont review and your just following it thank you anyways:) i really do adore you all, and even though its not for another four days thanks for everyone who wished me a happy birthday:) your all so sweet. i would hug you all if i could:)and... there shall be...SEDDIE! very soon lol so stop holding your breath:) ROCK ON MIGHTY SEDDIE WARRIORS! lol sarcasticleaves. if you dont know who she or LaneTea are, go to youtube and find them. there geniuses.

love lizzie:)

p.s. GAHH! im almost 18! four more days:) this summers going to be amazing:) warped tour is almost here and i have tickets to Lady Gaga in july! Gah im thrilled. sorry im gabbing again lol:) bye! your update shall be here soon:) i love love love love love love you all


	6. Unwelcoming Arms

She was still beautiful. Her hair was still dark and straight but was longer now, almost as long as hers. Her eyes were still large and deep, though now they were softer, haunted almost, aging them slightly but still shining with the same humor that she remembered. Her face was so thin. She had gotten taller. She looked tired. But she was still Carly. Still her best friend.

Carly didn't move as she took in the girl that stood in front of her in a much too short dress, gravity defying high heels and stringy dirty blonde hair. Sam held her breath as she held Carly's gaze praying that the next second wouldn't be the one where Carly slammed the door in disgust and anger. The air was almost tangible and Sam had to say something before she lost her nerve and ran like the child she felt like.

She forced her mouth into the first smile she'd tried on in a year and a half and raised a shaking hand.

"Hey Carls." Her voice shook and died halfway through Carly's name and she felt her heart thudding in her ears as Carly remained motionless, her mouth slightly open and her hand still on the doorknob. The silence rang thought the air for another five seconds that felt like eternities to Sam and she was a breath away from turning and leaving when the dark haired girl launched herself off the door frame and threw her arms around Sam's skinny shoulders.

Sam stumbled back into the hallway from the force of Carly's hug and she wrapped her arms around her, trying to hold back the tears that were beginning to pool in her eyes. She bit them back. She cried too much lately. Carly was sobbing into her shoulder and Sam could feel her trembling as incoherent babbles and strangled words could be heard above Carly's sobs.

"Oh my god..." Carly managed to blubber as she finally released Sam, grasping her shoulders to look into her face before pulling her back into another bone crushing hug. She laughed weakly and gave Sam a huge smile before clutching her hands and jumping up and down, talking a mile a minute.

"Oh my god Sam! I've missed you so much! Where have you been? I was so worried about you why haven't you come home why did you leave we missed you oh my god…"

Sam's head was spinning. She felt as though she was being held to the ground simply by Carly's hands clutching hers. Her breathing was erratic and she couldn't get her brain wrapped around any of Carly's questions to process them, must less answer them. She couldn't feel her feet and the room was going foggy. She was about to cry or faint with the emotion that was welling up in her throat.

"-And you haven't called or anything except a few days ago and you didn't answer me or Freddie…Freddie!" Carly exclaimed as through she just remembered something. Sam's heart sank. Oh no. Carly grabbed her hands and dragged her into the apartment, a huge grin on her face that looked strange against its canvas of tears. She pulled her up to the couch and turned to the brunette sitting on it and jumped up and down again.

"Look Freddie its Sam!" She nearly screamed before wrapping her arms around the blonde girl again. Sam's heart jumped at the realization that he was here, in the same room. She raised herself on her toes and peeked over Carly's shoulder.

And it was as though the entire earth had disappeared and her entire being was engulfed in a chocolate brown haze. He looked so good. Older. Cuter. Haunted just like Carly, but again. Still her Freddie. Her Dork.

She wasn't aware of the fact that Carly had released her and had gone silent. She was only aware of the fact that her feet had each grown minds of there own and had slowly carried her across the room that her subconscious knew so well and stopped in front of the boy...man...who had risen from the couch and was watching her as though she had sprouted a second head. All the oxygen seemed to have been sucked from the room and her head filled with the spicy scent of his cinnamon cologne that seemed to wake up the memories of him that she was almost positive had disappeared long ago.

It seemed to take her an eternity to finally clear the scent from her throat enough to form a coherent greeting.

"Hey Fredward, how's it hanging?" She finally choked out, forcing a smirk in the process, not entirely sure she snapped back into her former teasing self when all she wanted was to cry and wrap her arms around the boy in front of her.

For an eternal second, Freddie didn't move, and every iota of her body was screaming in panic, until his face finally moved. His eyebrows furrowed and his mouth contorted strangely, as though he was trying very hard to speak, but was unable to. Until finally-

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

She could do nothing but blink stupidly at the contorted expression of anger that now masked Freddie's face.

"I-i-" she didn't even have time to think of another response before his snarl melted into a leer and he had drawn himself up to his full height.

"You, you what Sam?" He spits out her name like it leaves an ugly taste in his mouth. She doesn't notice Carly startled gasp of Freddie's name. She only notices that look of pure hatred in his eyes.

"You disappear for two goddamn years and you just decide to turn up out of the fucking blue? Is that it is Sam?" He demanded, taking a step back from her as though she were poison.

"Freddie…"She choked out, her voice sounding foreign in her ears as she will away the fresh tears that were leaking from her closed eyes.

"Don't you dare _Freddie _me Puckett! Do you have any idea how fucking worried we were when your sister called begging to know where you went? Do you have any idea what we went through? He suddenly seizes her wrist and pulls her roughly, forcing her eyes to open and meet his furious glare. Her skin burns where he touches her.

"Freddie please-" she tries again. She is ignored.

"We missed you! You idiot! Where the fuck do you get off disappearing and then turning up and calling me _Fredward _of all fucking things as though nothing fucking happened!" He releases her roughly and she stumbles, suddenly clumsy on the high heeled shoes she has trained herself to run in. the walls seem to be collapsing in on themselves and she still hasn't remembered how to breathe. Her guilt is threatening to swallow her and Freddie's thunderous glare is blurred by the film of tears that she's still fighting off. She feels the vague burn of self loathing that was ever present these past two years but is suddenly fresh in her chest. Freddie knew her old self. The fighter. And now she was all but sobbing in front of him whilst he screamed.

_"Hi you reached Sam's phone. If you don't know what to do at the beep, i can't help you." _Freddie imitated in a high pitched sarcastic croon that sent guilt shooting through her. "That's the most we've fucking gotten from you in two years! I called you every fucking day! Do you know how frustrating it is to hear that godforsaken answering machine every single goddamn day for two fucking years? And then you call us and don't even have the fucking audacity to answer! Did you do it just to fuck with our heads huh Sam?"

She breaks, and a sob finally tore from her throat and she raises a hand in silent pleading. She feels completely defeated. She wants him to stop.

"I don't know what you hoped to accomplish by coming back but, _I_ _cant help you_." Freddie said, re-adopting his sardonic croon as he finished his sentence. "So fuck off Puckett. You would have done better to just have stayed where you were."

She stares at him. His face has dropped the glare and is a flat slate of stone. She cant find any expression and she cant even gather the strength to push oxygen through her throat to sob again. The room swims and she can vaguely hear Carly whimper. Her heart breaks and before she collapses she turns and does the only thing she can think of doing.

She ran.

* * *

At first Freddie hadn't recognized the blonde skeleton who looked as though she had been dragged from hell and back that showed up at Carly's door. It wasn't until Carly started shrieking and the skeleton's face lit up and her eyes shone in a way that was so hauntingly familiar he could have sworn he felt the earth stop spinning and he though his heart would tear from his chest at any second. She couldn't be real. She wasn't real. Surely he was having another one of his painfully vivid dreams where she returned only to be awoken by his cruelly sadistic alarm clock and a moist pillow. Surely she wasn't real.

But then she was crossing the floor and stood right in front of him and spoke to him like she hadn't seen him in, oh, maybe a week or two. Not two years, oh no. she acted as though nothing had happened and tried to slip back into their old banter. No fucking way.

And then he found himself screaming at her, making her tremble and cry and with vindictive satisfaction watched the girl he once knew as the toughest person alive crumble into the most pathetic sight he had ever seen, seeming to feed off her pain because goddamn it all if she didn't feel one iota of the hell she put him through for the last two years. He watches her cry.

Then his mind began to wander and he seizes her arm, just to feel her, just to confirm to his unbelieving mind that she is real. And he nearly yanks back his hand as the electricity bites his fingertips as he touches the burning hot flesh of her bony wrist and he nearly cries because she is real and that means she has always been real and his lips tingle with the memory of their kisses and he gets even angrier. And yells louder. And he doesn't know what he's yelling anymore and he watched her sink lower and lower until she finally sobs in defeat and holds out a hand and for a second he wants nothing more than to grab that hand and pull her to him and hold her, fix her, make her stop hurting because he missed her so badly he cant stand it anymore.

But he doesn't. and she looks up at him and he hasn't realized he's done screaming. And the earth still isn't spinning. And its just him and her impossible large blue eyes.

Then she runs.

And its like she takes the oxygen with her. And he's gasping for air.

"_What the hell is your problem Freddie?"_

He doesn't acknowledge Carly's reproachful cry as she screams accusations at him before tearing out the door after the skeleton. He's left standing in Carly's living room alone and suddenly and he feels so suffocated and he has to move. He doesn't notice where his feet carry him until he follows Carly out her front door and crosses the hall, grasping his old doorknob and pushing inside.

He doesn't hear his mothers worried cries and barely notices how he swats away her nervous hands before storming into his old room and keeps walking until he can breath again and he greedily sucks in the fresh air as he leans on the rail of the fire escape. His hands grip the railing so hard his knuckles turn white and the tears he so stubbornly fought while watching her cry finally drip off his nose and fall down to the street.

He doesn't know why he's here. He hasn't been on this fire escape in two years. Not since that day Melanie called them. It reminds him too much of her. And now…

He leans forward and rests his head on his hands on the rail and breathes as the tears still seep from his eyes. His heart beats erratically in his throat, but for some reason, it doesn't feel broken anymore.

* * *

To my reviewers.

**Kpfan72491**: thank you very much:)

**V**: I hope the meeting was everything you hoped for:)and don't worry I will explain why she felt so ignored, and yes her reason for leaving will be revealed. And I must thank you for giving me the idea on what direction this chapter should take:)

**Kittykatgurl21**: thanks for the early happy birthday lol. I hope you enjoyed this.

**PsychoticAppleSauce**: Hi you, sorry I stopped that last chapter there, I just needed time to figure out how their reunion would go lol. I'm so happy you've stuck with this story and I really hope you like this chapter:)

**Frontman19**: Indeed!:D

**Ddawg5018**:lol well thank you for your longest review! It makes me feel special. I really really hope you enjoy this!

**Um…I think its smiley face**?: sorry that's what you signed it with, I feel awful that I don't know your name, but the whole miss benson thing, um, I don't know if you've ever ended up in a hospital and its crucial that no one knows your there, its good to use a fake name, and that's what Sam did but she unconsciously chose Freddies last name, cuz she loves him!sorry if I had you confused. Thanks for the hugs and bugs lol.

**Pixie555**: sorry it wasn't soon, but I updated:)

**VeVe2491**: lol of course its Sam! Lol sorry I kept you waiting for so long, I hope this makes up for it.

**CouldIBeMoreRandom**: hi, I took your advice and made Freddie very angry!:D lol and im really sorry I kept you waiting for the update for so long, tell your sister happy belated birthday from me lol.

**Thetiaraclub**: Sorry it wasn't soon, but I updated for you:)

**Randaru102**:don't worry lol I will finish this, and I am sorry about my language, and I apologize for this chapter because it is rather vulgar, but I promise from now on I will try my hardest to keep it clean. And I do love Harry Potter:)ill go check out your stories soon.

**Dorky LuvBD**:Here's your chapter:)

**Reviewer**:thank you:)that means a lot

**Flutter360**: epic:)I love that word. Sorry I kept you waiting, I hope this makes you forgive me.

**Lonesome**. **Stranger.: **Duh im not sick of you! I love your reviews! Im so sorry I kept you waiting I really do feel bad when I cant update:( but thank you for your kind and supportive words to my authors note, you are a sweetie, (duck noises? Really? Lol your dad sounds funny.)thanks again my wormy friend:)

**Seddie4lyfe**: lol sorry I kept you waiting and thanks for keeping princess on her leash. Gah lady gaga!:D

**SeddieXandXFax**: lol don't worry ive done that while reading as well lol, sorry I made you beg and im so sorry this took so long. Thanks for sticking with me:)

**Readerofwonderfulwriters**:updated:)sorry for the wait.

**Pigwiz**: Hi beth, thanks for all your awesome reviews! And I really really hope you like this chapter,and also I have to send you a HUMONGOUS thank you for sending so many readers my way! I owe you.

**Newbie611**: thanks!

**gullystumper**: thanks:)hope you enjoy this

**madgopher**: thank you thank you thank you:)

**axel100**: well thank you for your review:) and i hope when the next chapter rolls around you approve of her reason:)

**Seddielovergrl**:thanks for the support:)

**.**:thank you so much

**Princess Cruella**: sorry! in know i took forever:(please forgive me and love this chapter:)

hi everyone

again i am so very sorry i kept you all waiting like that, and i must thank you all for helping me through this, your kind words of support made me smile and keep going so thank you, i really do love you all, and i am really sorry if i had you all worried, rest assured that for the time being i am relatively stable so smile:) and thank yo all for your happy birthdays! believe me you helped make my eighteenth birthday one of my favorites!

though you know something? i have two sets of parents and neither of them got me anything! lol go figure right?

anyways lo also thank you so much for all the reviews! over a hundred already. it made my head explode it really did, im still geeking out that you all like this so much, and my writing tends to be a tad suckish whilst im emotionally distressed and i really hope im not losing my touch and this chapter was as good as you all say the rest of the story is. please please let me know what you think and reassure me that you still love this story and i will love you forever.

enjoy my beloved readers.

love lizzie:)


	7. Come Home, Skeleton

Her heels scraped with an ugly noise on the concrete as she ran, as she willed her feet to push her faster down the side walk, away from Bushwell Plaza, away from her past, and away from the ghost of who used to be Freddie Benson that screamed at her that he never wanted her to return. She couldnt see where she was running, her vision was obscured by her tears and the snow that was starting to gently float down. She didn't feel it land on her bare skin or in her dirty hair, all she could feel was the hole in her chest that she had managed to fill with drugs, pills and needles opening again with a searing pain that was threatening to break her ankles and cause her to fall into the snow like the mess she felt like.

She barely recognized the buildings she ran by. The Groovy Smoothie where most of her memories haunted was barren now as she ran past it, the windows boarded up and the neon sign dangling wires uselessly. She turned her face down and kept running, desperate to begin forgetting everything that had come rushing back to her like a fright train.

Her feet finally failed her and she felt her bare knees hit the snowy sidewalk and her smokers lungs were screaming for air. She pushed her dirty hair off her face with shaking fingers that she barely realized had long since gone numb. She looked up and realized with a pang of horror that she was currently kneeling on the corner where she watched a taco truck hit Freddie as Carly hit the sidewalk, Freddie just having pushed her out of the way.

Freddie.

Those eyes, so full of hate. He hated her. She couldn't handle it. She dragged herself off the sidewalk and kept running, not noticing the cars that skidded to a halt and ignoring the outraged honks that followed her. This was the biggest mistake she made since she left…why had she even left. Now that she thought back she didn't even know if it would have been less painful to stay. She shook the thought out of her head. She would not second guess herself. She spent countless hours and dollars convincing herself that she was right to leave Seattle. Now she couldn't figure out why she had ever come back. That night that she thinks she called Carly and swallowed her entire stock of pills seems eons ago.

She couldn't run anymore. She slowed to a stop and with another sickening lurch she saw that she was in front of a snow covered Ridgeway High School. She felt her heart break a little deeper as more memories assaulted her worn out mind and she slumped on the front steps of the building, ignoring the biting cold in her limbs and watching her breath twist in white clouds above her head.

She was so lost in her thoughts and she didn't hear the crunch of boots on the snow behind her or hear the frantic calling of her name as she was running. She barely registered when a hand finally closed around her shoulder and she flinched.

"Sam, please, stop running." Carly's choked whisper floated over her shoulder. "Come back please? Your freezing."

"I shouldn't have come back." Sam heard herself answer her distraught companion. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Carly removing her coat and she felt the heavy fabric of Carly's plaid coat as it draped over her bare shoulders. She hadn't realized how cold she was until Carly's body heat radiated off the coat.

"No, don't listen to Freddie, he just…" Sam could hear the tears back in Carly's voice again and she forced herself to keep looking forward. She couldn't stand to see the pain she was causing Carly. "Sam we missed you…"

Sam swallowed and pulled the sleeves of Carly's jacket closer around her. She felt the taller girl slide an arm around her too thin shoulders and pull her closer.

"Carly.."

"Sam you don't have to tell me now, why you left…"Carly whispered, following Sam and staring out at the snowy street in front of Ridgeway. Sam chanced a look at her. She looked tired, worn, and her lip was trembling like she was fighting off tears. "Just please don't leave again." Sam looked back down at her feet and she felt Carly's arm tighten around her shoulders. "i need my best friend back." Carly finished with a tremor in her voice.

Sam closed her eyes and tired to ignore the impulse to cry. she was nearly twenty years old. she didn't need to cry for everything anymore. she wanted to turn to Carly and break down and beg for her forgiveness and sob and say that she'd stay and she'd never run off like that again. but...

"Freddie..." Sam murmured, as though it answered Carly.

"Freddie's just hurt, you know how he gets...i think he's just in shock." Carly answered, growing brighter with Sam's hint that she might stay. "Also, you called him Fredward after leaving for two years, "Carly gave a sad chuckle. "You never learned to be gentle with him have you?" Carly sighed.

Sam didn't answer, keeping her eyes glued to her hands. she noticed her fingertips were turning a delicate shade of blue.

"Sam please." Carly whispered again. "You can stay with me and Spencer, just like old times, and Freddie will come around, he missed you more than you know."

Sam finally turned and met Carly's stare. her large eyes were glassy and her face was flushed with cold and what looked like nerves. She looked as though she was going to cry again. Sam felt awful. she knew she needed Carly, and she couldn't leave her like this. She sighed. It looked as though she was going to have to swallow her pride on this one. What little pride she had left.

She turned to Carly and forced her face into a smile, hoping it was enough for Carly. She watched and almost burst into tears as Carly's face lit up brighter than she had ever remembered seeing it as she threw her arms back around Sam, pulling her into a crushing hug. She closed her eyes and hugged Carly back, praying with all her might that this would work.

* * *

He isn't sure how much longer he can stay here. He's been watching it snow for what felt like hours. He craned his neck to try and see if he could see the main road from his angle, to see if Carly had managed to drag the skeleton back to the house. He cant and he leans back against the wall. He cant feel his hands, and occasionally he has to blink the snow off his eyelashes.

Freddie swallowed the urge to vomit and runs his hands through his hair again, sure that he pulls out a few hairs along the way. He doesn't remember the last time he felt this guilty, not even after the time he put gum on Rebecca's chair as a dare from Gibby and ruined her eighty dollar dress. Another sigh escaped his lips and again he turns to the window, ready to climb out and run after Carly and look for the skeleton with her, but once again he leans back against the wall in defeat.

_Why the hell did you yell at her Benson? You moron._

He slides down the wall and sits on his heels, ignoring the bite of cold air that assault the skin that's now visible on his back from where his shirt rode up. He doesn't know why he screamed at her, why he found the cruelest words he had spoken in his life and hurled them at the one person his heart longed for every day for the past two years.

Freddie closes his eyes and her haunted blue ones swim to the front of his mind. Fuck he couldn't stand it. She had looked so lost, so unsure, so…broken. The girl he used to know never looked lost. Even if she was lost she never let anyone see it because she had such a confident presence it would look as though she was meant to be there all along. He didn't know why her presence had infuriated him so badly that instead of pulling her to him and holding her so tightly she would never have a chance to disappear again, he had screamed until he watched her blonde hair fly down the hallway and out of sight. Again.

Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. With a long suffering sigh Freddie pushed himself off the wall and clambered back through the window, ignoring the thump of his heart as he walked back across the his apartment and all too soon found himself facing the doorway of Carly's apartment, unable to remember the last time he had been so reluctant to enter this apartment.

_Grow up Benson._

Freddie shook his head and with that sobering thought he tried the doorknob, slightly surprised to find it unlocked. As silently as he could, he nudged the door open, and froze, his nonexistent speech dying on his lips as he sagged against the doorframe.

He silently took back every curse and swear he had ever telepathically sent her over the last two years as another wave of guilt washed over him. Spencer had the skeleton wrapped in a tight embrace, silent tears coursing down both their faces and the skeleton shaking violently in the older mans arms. Freddie's breath caught in his throat. He had never seen…Sam…look so unguarded and a flash of jealousy flew through him as he realized that he could have been in Spencer's place if he hadn't been so _fucking _stupid.

Freddie jumped as he realized that he had been so lost in his own emotions that he hadn't noticed Sam's eyes open and watch him over Spencer's thin arm. He met her eyes and his heart clenched painfully as he mentally swore to make it up to her. Somehow. _Now wasn't the time though, _he realized as Sam's eyes closed and she once again shook with silent sobs in Spencer's arms.

As quietly as he could, Freddie backed out of the apartment and closed the door, still feeling her burning blue eyes on his back.

* * *

Sam waited until she heard the door closed softly before recollecting herself and pulling away from Spencer. Wiping her face with her bony hands and hearing Spencer do the same. She sighed and wrapped her arms around herself and looked up into watery smile, head tilted in an unspoken question. She looked back at the door and blinked away the tears, unable to answer him. Spencer followed her gaze and his smile of understanding grew wider, washing away the ten years that had settled on his face in the last two.

"He'll be back Sam." Spencer murmured.

Sam nodded shakily, not allowing the small flame of hope in her chest to expand.

"I hope so."

* * *

To my reviewers:

**Neeeeeeeemmmmmmmooooo**: hi:)actually freddies heart being fixed isnt that he just wanted to yell its the fact that she's back at all:)sorry i had you confused.

**Lonesome**. **Stranger**.: hi doll:)thanks again for reviewing! and also thanks for reviewing snow and silence, no one seemed to like that one very much:(but ill always have you:)and yup freddie was harsh!it was nessesary:)WORMS!3

**Seddielovergrl**: thank you so much:)also let me know what you think about this chapter, im not sure how it went down

**PsychoticAppleSauce**: hi:)i was so happy when i read your review, i love having that effect^_^he is a butthead but eh:)whatchoo gonna do?:)thanks

**newbie611**: Butthead!your the second person to call him that your update:)

**CouldIBeMoreRandom**: i dunno can you? lol JK!heres your chapter love and i hope you really enjoy:)thanks for stickin with me:)

**pigwiz**:THANK YOU BETH!for reading over this:)and approving it,lol and thanks for the lovely review!(gone with the wind? really?)lol silly woman.

**SeddieXandXFax**: lol cookies and magical flyin acorns sound lovely lol, thanks for the late happy birthday, i tresure it all the same:)heres your chapter!

**gullystumper**:thank you thank you:)

**KarlaRockAngel**: I UPDATED FOR JOO!:D!

**Mai x Mai:** aww:)im flattered that you review,considering you never do:)i hope i didnt keep you waiting too long

**frontman19:**thanks for the welcome back:)and yay you understood it:)

**YES. SEDDIE.** :thanks you:)here you go!

**Princess Cruella**: heres your update doll:)

**Kpfan74291**: i love tears:)thanks

**Dorky LuvBD**: sorry! i hope this didnt take too long:)

**madgopher**: you scared me! lol im happy you like this:)

**Lanter**: thanks! i actually liked your review alot, im really nervous about my ability with emotions, but you assure me:)

**smileyface**: oh okay:)and sure ill go check out your challenges:)

**my**.**fish**.**sauce**.:lol of course he feels awful!:)tis the point

**willywonkilina**: confused?:(how?

**Mixwe**: thanks:)lol gosh darn gravy!your funny

**VeVe2491**: sorry it wasnt asap:(but i really hope this makes up for it!

**Purple xx**: :):):):):):)

**dazzledsaphires16**: Awwwww:)thank you!

hi:)okay so before anyone bites off my head NOTHING is going to happen between sam and spencer okay?im not a spam shiipper and i think the whole ship is kinda icky its SEDDIE all the way so there:)

25 REVIEWS!OMG!im so happy!so so happy that so many of you guys like this so much! im honestly super flattered:) i hope i dont let you guys down

this chapter was inspired by the song "Skeleton" by Sparks the Rescue, and it really goes with this chapter, so listen:)cuz alot of the chapters are inspired by songs and i want you all to hear my muses lol:)

again thank you every one who's been reviewing,and who has this on there favorites list, and who's been reading in genera;:)makes me happy

review and tell me how you love it:) of hate it, im open to critisism:(but read it anyways:)i love you all

love, lizzie:)

p.!go read snow and silence, my newest depressing one shot:)


	8. Frustration

"Cut!"

"What the hell do you mean by CUT Benson!"

"Cut is generally the term the DIRECTOR uses when the ACTRESS isn't doing her job right!"

"Excuse me?"

"No! This time i wont! I've been telling you how to do this scene for the last hour! it shouldn't take this long so stop being a BRAT and listen to the DIRECTOR-"

"Oh I'll DIRECT you to something-"

"EASY!" Gibby's baritone voice cut through Rebecca's retort and she glared evilly at Freddie over the ropy muscle of Gibby's arm that had been thrust between them in a effort to keep the bloodshed to a minimum. Sebastian was still in the water, glancing nervously from Freddie's expression of rage to Rebecca's contorted face, looking scarier than normal due to the fact that half her hair was still soaking wet from the water scene that Freddie had been trying to perfect.

Freddie glared with everything he had into Rebecca's green tinted contacts with a smirk, as though challenging her to attack him over Gibby's arm. She seemed content with glaring right back, her lip curling dangerously when Freddie whispered, "Do it again."

Rebecca immediately moved back over to the small pool they had constructed in the studio, lowering her body back over Sebastian, ignoring the slight fear still shining in his wide eyes.

"And action, and for god sake do it right this time." Freddie called, ignoring Gibby's pointed look as he raised the camera and moved in to zoom in on Rebecca and Sebastian as Kevin lowered the lights overhead. Rebecca spared him one last glare before tangling her fingers in Sebastian's soaking pink hair and dropping her nose to his.

"Oh Kirk," Rebecca sighed, placing a soft kiss to Sebastian's mouth, delivering the line so convincingly Freddie was happy he had bitten back the "Your fired." he had been tempted to scream at the redhead four minutes prior. "I don't care that your a zombie, I'll still love you, until I'm as dead as you are."

"Tatiana…" Sebastian murmured, tilting his face slightly so Gibby's boom mike could pick up the sound. he wrapped his pale arms around Rebecca and pulled her down deeper into the water, his hand reaching around to push the wet strands of red hair off Rebecca's uncharacteristically serene face. "I could never do that to you, you deserve someone young, well, and alive-" Sebastian was cut off by Rebecca slamming her mouth down on his. Freddie pulled the camera back to catch both of their faces and upper bodies.

"No Kirk. It'll only be you." Rebecca whispered, her fingers reaching into the pocket of her soaking wet dress to pull something out of her hands to hold it behind her back. Freddie stood and zoomed in on the object in her hand to the camera could see the empty bottle of poison clutched in Rebecca's hand. "Forever." Rebecca rubbed her nose against Sebastian's again, smearing her mascara from the fake tears she managed before releasing a shuddering breath and collapsing on top of Sebastian, Freddie deftly moving back so the splash wouldn't hit the camera and they would have to do the scene again. Freddie just couldnt handle that.

Sebastian looked at Freddie with wide, confused and frightened eyes before shaking Rebecca's limp form. "Tatiana?" He whispered. Rebecca gave another shudder before raising her head back up to meet Sebastian's eyes, Freddie moving so he could catch her face. He held up a hand, signaling Rebecca to freeze for another few seconds so he had something to work with when adding the special effects that would transform "Tatiana" into a newborn zombie. He nodded, signaling Rebecca to move on and she looked back down at Sebastian with a large smile, meeting Sebastian's surprised face with melted into a smolder as he pulled down Rebecca into another passionate kiss while murmuring her name in between each one.

"And...Cut! thank you!" Freddie snapped, irritated at the fact that after an _hour_ of attempting this simple scene she managed to do it in one go once she screamed at him.

"Fuck off Benson!" Rebecca screamed, leaping off Sebastian and showering him and Gibby with cold water as she shook off her hair and stalked off the set, ignoring the three pairs of eyes following her exit.

"Good god that was frightening." Sebastian burst out once Rebecca had made her exit. "I thought she was going to bite me." He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand in an affected gesture and shuddered for good measure.

"Yeah man what'd you do to her?" Gibby asked with a smirk as he handed Sebastian a towel.

"I shoved her away when she wanted a kiss...and i might have yelled...and stuff.." Freddie muttered sheepishly as he lowered himself onto the other side of the couch and burying his face in his hands.

"Wow Fredman no wonder she's pissed." Gibby snorted, throwing himself down next to Freddie and clapping him heartily on the back.

Freddie shot Gibby a dirty look before returning his face to the cradle of his hands. His week had been… stressful to say the least . For one he hadn't returned to Carly's. He couldnt. he had tried numerous times but something held him back from entering Carly's apartment several times. He couldnt face her. He had returned to his now empty dorm room and had resigned to staring at his bedroom ceiling for four days straight, ignoring his phone which buzzed constantly with calls from Carly until Friday when he had to get up and drag himself across the damn campus for shooting.

He had been at his wits end so much that when Rebecca had pushed herself up against him he had given her a very ungentlemanly shove and had shouted things at her that would have made Carly blush. He had in turn been rewarded with a slap and a hell spawn Rebecca who seemed determined to make him contemplate suicide in the course of an hour.

"Rough week?" Gibby asked, earning him another glare from Freddie. Gibby had been the only one Freddie had called to rant about Sam's abrupt re-entrance into his life and after Gibby had hung up the phone to rush to Carly's and called him back an hour earlier with a lecture about how he should at least speak to the poor girl he had been rather cross with Gibby this week.

"I'm gonna go." Freddie said, shoving himself off the couch and stepping around Sebastian. "You can close up here right Gibbs?" He called over his shoulder as he pulled his coat back over his shoulders.

"You got it boss." Gibby answered him with a pointed look that Freddie ignored as he stepped out to brave the cold air blowing around the university.

He stopped once he got to his dorm room and froze with his hand on the doorknob, keys still in hand. He was better than this. He had spent a good amount of his childhood afraid of that girl and once he had finally gained the upper hand he was running. He closed his eyes. This wasn't what he wanted. He had prayed and cried every day for two goddamn years for her return and now that she was back and safe and _real _again he wouldn't even spend time in the same apartment as her.

_Be a man Benson._

Freddie made up his mind on the spot, forgoing his dorm room and trekking across the snow laden parking lot to his tiny, beat up old car and driving across Seattle to Bushwell Plaza.

* * *

"Oh you're up." Carly said with a tentative smile, lowering her self onto the other side of the couch.

In truth Sam hadn't slept at all. She had spent that night much how she had spent the other four nights she had been here, staring up at the ceiling she once had memorized and crying until she could breathe easier.

She of course, didn't tell Carly this and settled for a weak smile that Carly half heartedly returned.

Sam sighed. She knew that of course they wouldn't be able to simply slip back into their old routine of easy friendship they once had, but she had no idea how hard it would be to be around Carly again. She treated Sam like she was made of broken glass, and seemed to tiptoe around everything. Some things had been the same, such as when Carly had appeared with a balloon and two tennis rackets and they spent a happy hour verbally abusing each letter of the alphabet. Other things were blaringly and painfully different, such as breakfast each morning when Carly and Spencer watched her turn down bacon and eggs with wide sad eyes.

In their defenses, neither of them had asked her what had happened to her in the two years she was in California, and neither of them asked her why she left. Another thing that she noticed was that no one mentioned Freddie. Their disastrous meeting seemed to have been swept under the rug and Carly and Spencer stubbornly kept their smiles on. Each time the front door opened Sam would feel the air leave her lungs and she could hear her neck creak as she whipped around to see if he had finally returned to forgive her. He hadn't returned since she saw him watch her hug Spencer, and after the third day she had somewhat given up on him.

Neither Carly or Spencer had asked her what happened in the two years she was gone. But she knew their silence wouldn't last.

"Do you want to talk?" Carly nearly whispered, as though Sam would shatter if she spoke too loud.

If she was still the brutally honest child she had been two years ago, she would have answered with a gruff no before asking what Carly had to eat in her fridge. She was tempted. Very tempted, but the look of forced calm that didn't completely hide the expression of desperation and pain in Carly's eyes bore down into her very soul and she couldn't. She turned her head and smiled, and was once more rewarded with the same unguarded look of sheer joy that Carly had given her when she had agreed to stay, that damn smile that broke Sam's heart and made her feel every inch of the undeserving whore she was. Just as she was about to tell Carly as gently as possible that no she didn't want to talk, a knock sounded at the door.

Sam stumbled off the couch and backed into the island, staring at the door as though it was the personification of the devil. Carly followed her retreat with wide and concerned eyes before turning back to the door and calling "It's open."

The door opened and Sam found all the air forced out of her lungs once again as she stared up into those damned brown eyes that have been haunting her dreams for what feels like an eternity. The air in the room became disgustingly tangible as the boy froze in the doorway, his eyes burning through her as we watched her with an unfathomable expression.

The silence is shattered by Carly's nervous greeting. Freddie doesn't look at her. His eyes are still fixed on Sam.

"Hi Carly." He manages in what he thinks is a calm tone.

Sam's ears are ringing and she could feel her face flush red. She doesn't hear him greet Carly. She cant read their lips while they talk to each other. Carly's mouth moves and her face grows another shade paler. Freddie finally turns to look at her with a furrowed brow. Sam backs into the island further and moves around so she's behind it. She still cant hear what they're saying. She clutches at the island and wills the floor to open up and swallow her before those brown turn back to her. Carly says something and Freddie scoffs, then they seem to remember her. Sam's heart breaks as she realizes how used they are to her absence. Carly finally turns back to her and her eyes widen in panic, as though she read Sam's thoughts. She looks at Sam as though she's made of broken glass. She rushes around the island to grasp Sam's hand. She's smiling in what she thinks is a reassuring way and gently leads Sam around the island. Sam keeps her eyes locked on Freddie, who matches her stare with his own burn. She doesn't hear what Carly says as she's led upstairs. She hasn't been upstairs yet. She didn't want to go when Carly offered. She had purposefully confined herself to the couch. But her mouth didn't seem to communicate with her brain and she follows Carly up the stairs, Freddie right behind her. She focuses on Carly's hand in her own and does her best to ignore the intense gaze she can feel burning into the back of her head.

She obediently follow's Carly until she notices that she's being led into the old studio. She freezes, planting her feet in front of the door and pulling on Carly's hand like a petulant child. Carly turns back at her with pleading eyes and she shakes her head. She tugs her hand out of Carly's and is about to turn and head back down the stairs when the warmest and softest hand lands on her shoulder. She dares herself to look back. She does and she meets Freddie's eyes. His eyebrow is raised and his head is cocked. She trembles and opens her mouth to say something. He responds by raising both his eyebrows in a silent _what?_

She lowers her eyes and sighs, all the fight that she had when she punched the hotel manager gone in the face of her old childhood punching bag. She raises a shaking hand and touches the hand on her shoulder. The ghost of a smile graces his features and she allows herself to be led inside. It looks almost the same, save for the piles of boxes that now occupy most of the floor space and a wave of nostalgia and a stab of guilty pain forces a single tear. She lowers herself onto a beanbag and wraps her arms around herself. She watches Carly and Freddie take seats on the floor in front of her.

She waits.

Carly and Freddie exchange a meaningful glance and Carly nods. Freddie turns to her and she flinches, afraid he's going to yell again.

Instead he speaks in a calm and clear voice, laced with confidence she never remembered him having.

"Your going to tell us where you've been."

She debates pleading the fifth. She debates bursting into sobs and begging that they just forgive her without hearing it. She debates flat out refusing and daring them to tell her otherwise.

Instead she looked into the faces of the two people she loved more than anything on earth and nodded, breathing in deeply before speaking.

* * *

hello:)

so i have wonderful news, me and pigwiz just co-wrote a magnificent story, and its posted under our joined thingy boxofpiglets, and it would make me the happiest little nub if you all would tell me what you think of it:)

also, i'm getting so many reviews on this story that i feel that answering all of them is leading you to belive that the chapters are longer than they really are, and thats just unfair to you guys, but if you want me to still do it then i will, just let me know:)

**Also for never ending amazingness in word form Read**

**~The CABAL~**

**For constant quality!**

**aussiemma **

**axel100**

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**Tech-Man**

**The Earl of ****Sandwich**

thanks again and i love you all:)

lizzie, boxoftrinkets.


	9. Withholding Information

"California." She mumbled with her head down, blonde curls spilling onto her shoulders and hiding her face.

Freddie blinked stupidly. He wasn't sure he heard her correctly. _California_?

"Huh?" He said, feeling fifteen all over again when she lifts her head and glares at him as though it hurts her to say it again. His heart pounds as her mouth twists as though she's going to spit an insult at him, a return to normality that he would have wholeheartedly welcomed at this point, but the moment passes and her face relaxed; the dull vulnerability back on her face.

"California Freddie." She said, the gleam in her eyes gone now. Freddie felt his heart twinge painfully when she lowered her eyes back to the floor. It was like a flash back to their senior year when she was sick.

"But-"Carly cut in, watching her with a confused look laced with slight desperation. "Why were you- why didn't"

"Why did you leave." Freddie cut off Carly, purposely making it a statement instead of a question, using the voice he used to make Rebecca do what he wanted.

Sam bit her lip, her eyes sparkling with tears. She met Freddie's gaze and his breath caught in his throat. Her eyes were the eyes of a trapped and wounded animal, her skin a pasty white and though she was two years older she could still pass for the heroin strung senior who cried in his arms because she was afraid she wasn't going to graduate. It broke Freddie's heart.

She sighed and seemed to decide that they weren't going to ignore the question and she stood up, walking over to the window and hugging her thin frame that was swallowed up by one of Carly's sweaters. Freddie and Carly stood and leaned against one of the stacks of boxes, watching her.

"Remember when we all got our acceptance letters to the University?" She nearly whispered, Freddie had to lean forward to hear her.

"Yeah, we even had a dorm apartment reserved." Carly said, sitting on the window so she was facing Sam. "That's where Freddie and I live; your room is still empty."

Sam blinked and she looked up at Freddie, and maybe it was the shadow on her face or a trick of his mind, but the defiant and almost incredulous expression on her face made him nearly swear they were back three years, about to start doing an iCarly and they were in the middle of a fight. Fucking déjà vu.

"You two live together?" Sam said, the crack ever present in her voice gone now. Her eyes were blazing and fixed on his, shining the exact same way they had when he had whispered how beautiful she was just before he kissed her at her graduation party. And he knew why she had suddenly sprung to life in the face of this information and his chest pounded at the idea that maybe, maybe she hadn't forgotten what they had…

"Not like that." Freddie answered immediately, his voice even and his eyes never leaving hers. She stared at him for another split second before the blazing look left her eyes and was replaced by the dull shine of defeat she wore.

"Oh." She said, hugging herself tighter and turning away to stare out the window.

"What about it?" Carly asked, pretending to ignore the little moment between the two of them, keeping her large dark eyes on Sam's face.

"I-I didn't really get accepted." She said in a rush, a faint blush coloring her deathly pallor.

"What?" Freddie snapped. Even he was confused. He had seen her acceptance letter himself.

"We both saw your acceptance letter." Carly said, her brow creasing with confusion. "Of course you were accepted."

Sam sighed, wiping away an errant tear and shaking her head slightly as though to clear it. "No I wasn't. I was rejected."

"But, you did so well towards the end-" Carly started.

"Oh come on Carly." Sam snapped, sounding exactly like her old self as she rounded on Carly, looking fierce despite how tiny the large sweater she wore made her look. "I was at the way bottom of our class because of a drug addiction, no college in the world was going to want me." her shoulders and chest heaved as she glared at Carly.

Carly's face crumpled and she opened her mouth again before Freddie spoke.

"Then why did we both see your acceptance letter?" He asked.

Another flush of color spread across her face. "I stole your acceptance letter, scanned it and made a few creative changes." she said.

Freddie raised his eyebrow, unwilling to admit how impressed he was.

"But-why?" Carly asked, looking as though she was going to cry.

Sam sat down on the window sill next to Carly and placed a careful arm around her. Carly immediately leaned her head on Sam's shoulder. Freddie's heart constricted. One fucking week and they were best friends again. If only it was that fucking easy.

"Because you and Freddie were at the top of the class, and I wasn't even accepted to the easiest college to get into in the whole state. I know you two only applied to that place because of me, you both could have gone anywhere, and I couldn't even go." She looked at Freddie, her expression broken.

"So you just took off without a word?" Freddie spat out, outraged at the destroyed expression on Carly's face.

"I told you where I was going." Sam muttered, jumping back when Carly suddenly leapt up, hurt and anger in her eyes.

"Yeah you did, but you said you were going on vacation! With your mother!" Carly snapped angrily. "You didn't tell us you were going alone do disappear for two-"

"Say it." Freddie said.

"Two fucking years!" Carly said, blushing furiously but holding her ground nonetheless.

"I wasn't planning…" Sam mumbled incoherently, curling up on herself on the window ledge, pulling her knees up to her chest, back to looking completely pathetic.

"Wasn't planning on what?" Carly demanded, her angry expression threatening tears again. Freddie walked over and took her by the shoulders to gently lower her onto the beanbag Sam vacated. Carly calmed down a bit with Freddie's touch and her face softened.

"I didn't plan to stay away for as long as I did." Sam told her knees, keeping her eyes lowered and letting her hair hide her face.

"Then why did you." Freddie said, fighting hard to keep his voice even and not scream.

Sam looked up at him, her lip trembling and the fight that flared when Carly snapped at her gone. "Because I figured that I would do a lot better on my own with the job I found than I would be if I was here, then I would eventually have to tell you guys that I didn't-" She stopped, shaking her head.

"Job?" Freddie asked.

A light flush crept up the pale column of Sam's throat. "Yeah-a job, modeling, pictures…such." she wasn't lying, it had started out as pictures, it really had, she just didn't have the heart to tell them how dirty she really was. They might not want her anymore.

"Mmhmm." Freddie doesn't believe her, but he wisely keeps his mouth shut, because if he didn't it might open up an entirely new can of worms, and Carly didn't look like she could handle it.

A silence settles over them. Carly's face is glazed over with silent tears and Sam looks like she's trying very hard not to get up and run.

"You didn't answer any of my calls." Freddie whispers.

Sam bit down on her lip. "No." She said.

Freddie choked down on the scream of frustration that was building in his throat. Carly was looking desperately from him to Sam, her trembling hands over her mouth.

"Why." he said. Low and harsh. Sam flinched and vindictive pleasure lit his smile. Good.

"Because after I felt abandoned in California for three weeks, I didn't want to face what I had done to you two." Her pained whisper barely reached him. She looked up at him and he's shocked into silence at the raw pain and the lost look that marred her too thin face. "You guys were my everything. I couldn't-I couldn't handle hearing what I had really done to you guys." Sam clamped her mouth shut. It was the most she had spoken in two years. She wasn't really a talker anymore. But she knew she should keep holding back off of her agenda now.

Freddie sighed and ran a hand through his hair, feeling a hundred years old. "I called you every single goddamn day." the anger was creeping into his voice.

Sam grimaced. "I know." a tear runs down her face and she looks directly into his eyes. Not elaboration. Nothing. Freddie's about to shout again when Carly's hesitant whisper cut through the air.

"You called me." she was looking at Sam with her large and desperate dark eyes, her mouth shaking.

"I was sick. You were the only person I could think of." Sam doesn't look at Carly, but lowers her eyes back down to her bare feet. Her tone implying that Carly just leave it. Carly seemed to get the hint and she looked back down at her own feet.

Another tear falls from Sam's face as Freddie watches. He has his answers and the anger is melting despite of his attempts to hold on to it. He watches the girl he loved so long ago as she shudders and blinks away the tears that make errant strands of blonde hair stick to her face. Freddie's resolve breaks and he pushes himself off the box he's been leaning on and he lowers himself onto the window sill next to her. He drapes a careful arm around her and she flinches before allowing her self to lean hesitantly against his arm. A tiny smile graces Carly's features as she watches them.

"How could you leave me?" Freddie whispers against her hair, his voice low to keep the pain out of the question.

"I'm sorry." Sam whispers, feeling so. Unlike. Who she used to be that it forces more tears and Freddie pulls her tighter and she breathes in his cinnamon scent and she tenses, her mind shot back to the day she left them at the airport. When she felt the same jacket against her face the way it is now and smelled the same cinnamon scent and she sighs. It worked, they forgave her. And as long as she kept the more- unflattering details of her past quiet-for now- maybe they wouldn't leave her.

She looks up at Freddie and allows herself to temporarily lose herself in the soft brown of his eyes, and the ghost of a smile twitches on his mouth, and she remembers exactly how that mouth feels, remembered how he used to make her feel, what they had, and suddenly panic shoots through her at how they just, _forgave _her_, _like nothing and she was still lying to them. She felt dirtier than she had in the past two years combined and she jumped out of Freddie's half embrace, her face burning red with the memories of Freddie's mouth and wrapping her arms back around herself before offering them a small smile.

"Can I have a shower?" she asked, her voice small and timid and it made her want to scream.

Carly stood and wrapped her in her arms, not noticing how stiff Sam was and she stepped back after her hug. "Sure." Carly smiled.

Sam returned it with a tightlipped smile of her own, gently easing herself out of Carly's arms before she left them in the studio, deliberately not looking back up at Freddie, her face still burning as she hurried out of the old studio, looking forward to the hot shower she could have and the temporary feeling of cleanliness that would accompany it. The guilt was almost as tangible as the filth that already covered her.

She sighed. They just don't make water hot enough.

* * *

"Think she'll be okay now?" Carly asked softly as she sat next to Freddie on the window.

Freddie sighed, his heart still pounding from the contact with the blonde and the irrational anger of the fact that she could disappear for two years and still have the ability to make his hormones go haywire. "I don't know." he answered honestly. "I hope so."

"I'm happy you came." Carly said, leaning her head on his shoulder. "I knew you missed her."

Freddie shrugged and leaned his head on Carly's with a small smile. "More than I thought."

* * *

hi:)okay so before anyone screams at me, they WILL find out exactly what she's been up to but not yet:) its just too delicious to fit into one chapter so bear with me:)

how was this chapter? if you feel it was a tad anticlimactic i apologize, i tried my hardest:)

let me know:) i love you all

lizzie, boxoftrinkets


	10. Tear Me to Pieces

"Go home."

"No." Freddie answered the firm voice that sounded from behind him as he hunched over his laptop, furiously fixing the footage that they had so far.

"Freddie, go home." Gibby repeated.

"No." Freddie said petulantly, deliberately not looking up at him.

"Freddie, it's late and Carly told me specifically told me not to let you hide here." Gibby said, crouching down to where Freddie was curled up on the floor and shutting his laptop on his fingers.

"Ow." Freddie snapped indignantly, snatching his hands away and glaring at Gibby. "I'm not hiding, I'm working. We have one more day of shooting and I'm trying to finish the special effects to make Rebecca look scary." He paused and opened the laptop a bit to glance at Rebecca's half zombied face. "Well, scarier." He added, opening the computer all the way and going back to messing with her face.

"You can do that later, like tomorrow, or sometime that isn't now." Gibby said firmly, shutting the laptop again, Freddie hastily moving his hands away at the last second. He sighed, accepting Gibby's hand and allowing himself to be hauled to his feet. Gibby handed him back the laptop with a final glare.

"I'm not hiding." Freddie reiterated in a defeated voice.

"Then why are you here at-"Gibby checked his pear phone,"-seven thirty, on a night we weren't even filming, a week before Christmas? You should be at Carly's. I thought you and Sam made up."

"We did, kind of, I guess." Freddie mumbled, Gibby raising an eyebrow to rival Freddie's in response. He scowled, missing the days when Gibby was still a pudgy nerd and not the muscled football star who automatically had the upper hand in any situation. "It's weird." Freddie finished lamely, grabbing his coat off the floor and following Gibby from the studio.

"Weird?" Gibby repeated.

"Weird." Freddie said. It had indeed been strange, having Sam back in his life. After their awkward talk in the old studio they had lapsed into a semi comfortable silent agreement, trying to recapture the friendship they had two years ago.

It wasn't easy. When Carly was there the conversation flowed easily, only stalling periodically to awkward silences that were quickly covered by Carly furiously changing the subject or spouting some witty banter to make them laugh. She kept them busy, making them play cupcake slam and some of their other old favorite games with them, constantly making sure they were smiling and had no time to acknowledge the unpleasantness floating over their heads.

With Carly absent, he and Sam had spent long silences staring at anything but each other, slowly easing into delicate conversation, avoided the subject of the last two years and focusing determinedly on the present, keeping the talk mostly focused on that day.

It made Freddie want to scream.

It drove him insane. He hated this new polite version of her and he hated tiptoeing around what he had to say and he hated how she sent him a nervous glance after everything he said as though he was going to yell or something. It made his teeth hurt.

He remembered the sigh of relief he had felt when he stormed into Carly's apartment in a Rebecca induced rage and snapped at Sam when she timidly called a hello to him from the couch. He had been too irritated to remember how she reacted to verbal violence these days so he didn't turn to see her flinch, but he had heard the-

"_What's wrong Benson? Anti-bacterial underpants in a bunch?"_

That had come from behind him. He had frozen for a minute and turned, almost faint with the sudden rush of emotion that had unexpectedly surged from hearing her voice sounding perfectly normal, with all its rudeness and bite that had made him love her. He had turned to see her smirking at him and he grinned the first real grin he had grinned in a very long time and had spat back _"You know what Puckett_?" which had launched them into a very fierce but silly argument, though it would have been fiercer and more believable if they both hadn't been smiling like loons the whole time.

After that speaking with her had been easier, even more fun was shocking Carly with their verbal abuse to each other when she still spoke to Sam like she was an infant, something Freddie knew bothered Sam though she would never say it to Carly.

But there were still moments when he would venture downstairs at two in the morning to hear her sobbing into the couch cushions, or staring blankly at a wall without so much as blinking when he stood in front of her, or curled up on the window sill trembling violently and she would brokenly beg him to go back upstairs, tears always threatening her voice and her pleas becoming more and more desperate until he finally complied and left her leaning against the window with her breath fogging up the frozen glass and trembling as though she wasn't wrapped in a million blankets.

"She's recovering from, god knows what happened over there Fredman. give the poor girl some time." Gibby said wisely, his face scrunching up as the blast of icy air hit them as they left the studio.

"I guess." Freddie answered, screwing his own eyes shut. He understood Gibby, he really did, but ever since their talk he had been haunted by the thought that she was hiding something. Something big. And as much as it killed him it stopped him from really connecting with her the way he honestly wished he could.

"I'll see you later Gibbs." He said when they reached the parking lot. Gibby raised a hand in farewell and sauntered off to his motorcycle on the other side of the lot. Why on earth he rode a motorcycle in Washington in winter was beyond him he thought as he opened the door of his car and climbed inside.

* * *

He heard the laughter before he opened the door of Carly's apartment, he paused and leaned against the door, key still in hand. He caught Spencer's familiar laugh, loud and hearty, Carly's soft, almost polite tinkling, the shy and almost non-existent giggle that had become Mandy's in the past two years, and a loud, melodic twang that sent shards of something haunting and familiar through him and the melodic twang that he had convinced himself he was never going to hear again. Sam. Was laughing.

He opened the door and immediately the laughter stopped and four pairs eyes swiveled around to greet him. They were all grouped around a half erected Christmas tree, odd boxes and random ornaments strewn around them. Spencer was sitting on the floor spray painting wax fruit silver before handing them to Mandy, who would spear them with hooks before carefully laying them down on the floor in front of her. They made the perfect picture of holiday cheer.

They were decorating. Without him. If the cynicism he had developed hadn't resulted in him being a slight Christmas scrooge he might have been offended.

"Freddie your home." Carly's chirp snapped him out of his revere and he looked up at her, only a little unnerved by the fact that she was tangled from head to toe in light strings while Sam attempted to maneuver them out of her hair. Carly tended to get caught in things.

"Yup." He answered shortly, stepping forward to help pull the lights from Carly's hair. Sam quietly relinquished her hold on Carly's hair and moved herself to the couch to give him more space.

"Hi Freddie. Why so late?" A quiet voice from the floor asked him. He glanced down at Mandy, smiling up at him timidly, her hands sparkling with the silver spray paint. As much as the reason for it hurt, Freddie actually liked the quiet Mandy. He raised his eyes up from Mandy to meet Sam's wide blue eyes from her spot on the couch. A quiet Sam on the other hand.

"Working on the film." He answered shortly, giving the lights a tug that forced a pained squeak from Carly.

"I told Gibby not to let you hide in the studio today." Carly pouted. "I told you a week ago we were decorating today and-ow!"

"Sorry!" Freddie snapped.

"Say your sorry to my hair." Carly huffed. "you were supposed to be here." She said as Freddie finally freed the lights.

"I'm here." He said, flopping himself on the couch on the other side of Sam. She turned to look at him, her resemblance to her sister almost uncanny with her hair tied up the way it was, the only difference was the gauntness of her skin. She looked less tiny in a sweater that actually fit her, courtesy of a forgotten sweater from high school that had been fossilizing Carly's closet.

"Benson." she said, the tiniest smile tugging at the side of her mouth.

"Puckett." He said back offering her the barest hint of a smirk before Carly hauled her to her feet to help her get the other half of the Christmas tree onto what they had so far.

He watched them try to lift the other half of the tree with their twiggy arms with amusement, laughing with Mandy and Spencer when they finally managed a grip on the thing only to realize that Sam was too short to reach the other side. When her bony arms started to tremble and the top half of the tree was threatening to fall on her he finally got off the couch, stepping behind her to catch it just before it hit her head.

"Careful there Puckett." He breathed boldly against her ear, too softly for the others to hear and bringing a deep blush to the white skin of her face.

He easily lifted the tree from her tiny hands, fitting it onto the other half smoothly. He settled himself on the couch to watch them strategically hang the wax fruit and string the lights that managed to get tangled in both Carly's and Mandy's hair and not caring that she was still hiding something from him. He watched her laugh like nothing had ever happened and he decided he could deal with her secrets, as long as she kept smiling and staring at him out of the corner of her eye the way she continued to do for the rest of the night.

* * *

Freddie couldn't sleep.

He sighed with frustration and rolled over, glaring at the clock that sat on the table next to his bed.

2:37 am.

_Fuck_.

Freddie punched his pillow with no real conviction and laid back down on it, scowling up at his ceiling. He hated not being able to sleep. When he couldn't sleep he usually started thinking, and thinking was never a good thing. Especially when his mind drifted back to revisit the last three hours.

After Mandy had left, smiling at all of them and hugging Sam so hard that he actually heard Sam wince, they had spent a good amount of time curled around the freshly decorated Christmas tree, each wrapped in their own respective blankets. Freddie had placed himself farthest away from the tree, with his back against the island.

And Sam had placed herself right next to him.

At first he had tried not to think about it, and acted as though it wasn't a big deal and acted like his heart wasn't pounding so hard it felt like it would burst from his chest at any second. Then she began to kick his feet with her own, claiming he was taking up her space. His ancient instincts kicked in and he immediately shoved her foot back, telling her that he was here first, and there was plenty floor elsewhere. Which had of course got her yelling which got him yelling, which got Carly yelling to calm them down, with Spencer watching them with a serene smile on his face, looking curiously at peace amongst the mayhem.

He had been wretched from his thoughts when a pillow flew from out of nowhere and hit him smack in the face, bouncing off his shoulder and knocking over his mug of hot chocolate. Instantly knowing who had thrown it, he had snatched it up and threw it back at Sam, who ducked and in result the pillow flew over her head to hit Carly, who froze with her mouth hanging open with shock and indignation before grabbing the pillow and declaring war, giving Freddie a split second to dive for cover before the pillows started flying.

The pillow fight was short lived, ended by Spencer waving a white blanket in the air before he collapsed on the ground, breathless with laughter. Freddie had collapsed next to him, clutching his aching sides as he fought to catch his breath. He felt Carly hit the floor next to him and was taken completely off guard when he felt something hard land on his chest, and he looked up to see a mass of blond hair that told him Sam had taken the liberty of using him to break her fall as she collapsed on his other side. Her hand was covering her mouth to stop her giggles, and she turned to him with laughing blue eyes that he could have sworn were the same eyes he had stared into that night two years ago. She finally stopped her giggling and smiled at him, a real smile that sent a flash of warmth through Freddie that nearly undid him.

She had stayed with her head stubbornly on his chest for the rest of the night, long after the pillow fight had been forgotten and they had lapsed into silence while listening to Spencer's stories about his adventures with Socko.

Until she let out a gasping breath and suddenly shot straight up off his chest, sitting up and curling her arms towards herself, her head bowed to her chest that heaved with her labored breathing.

Carly had sat up nearly as quickly and demanded what was wrong, her face a mask of pale worry. Sam looked up at her, her face composed into a calm expression but her arms still tightly woven around herself. Nothing, she had insisted, lifting herself off the floor and stepping over Freddie, curling up on the couch with out unwinding her arms, I'm fine.

Freddie watched her while the conversation played out, Carly eventually giving up on Sam and accepting that nothing was wrong with her, just a chill, that's all. Then she said that she wanted to sleep, curling her arms around a rogue pillow that had landed on the couch.

Carly had stared at her for another long moment, scrutiny etched into her features until she finally shook her head slightly with a small smile and Freddie knew she was mentally scolding herself for being so suspicious. So she said goodnight, hugged Sam and Spencer, waved to Freddie and went upstairs, Sam following her with uneasy eyes. Freddie watched her tense up when Spencer hugged her so he didn't bother. He had settled for a small wave that was barely returned before he left, following Carly up the stairs to the room he was borrowing for the night. He had turned around once more before he left her. She didn't look back at him, just stared straight forward while rubbing her hands up and down her arms, like she was cold.

He wasn't sure why he bought the bullshit reasoning she fed Carly. He wasn't sure why he listened to her and followed them up the stairs, leaving her.

Which brought him back to where he was now. Staring up at the ceiling of Carly's guest room, literally out of his mind with worry.

_About what_?

He didn't want the answer to his own question.

After another minute of chasing his own thoughts around in his head he finally gave in and slid out of bed, shivering slightly as his bare feet touched the hardwood floor. He bent down and snatched a hoodie that had been discarded earlier on the floor and shrugged it on, forgoing his slippers and leaving the room barefooted.

He walked as quietly as he could past Carly's room and down the wooden stairs, the sneakiness of his steps bringing another sadly nostalgic smile to his face as he remembered sneaking down these very steps with Sam in their pajamas to do one of their Waking Up Spencer bits. He stopped on the dark landing and bit his lip, resting his hand on the frozen glass and watched the snow fall outside the window.

_What he wouldn't give to be fifteen again_.

An oddly muffled noise from behind him snatched his attention away from this wistful thought and he turned around, frowning in confusion.

the living room was dark, the only light was the faint glow that emitted from the Christmas tree. He took a cautious step forward, stopping when another sound startled him.

_Sam_.

He nearly ran to the couch in the center of the room, his head spinning when he saw that the nest of blankets was empty.

The metallic taste of panic and fear was seeping into his throat and he forced himself to keep it together long enough to find her. A quiet cough broke the silence and he found himself led to the downstairs bathroom, where more noises were seeping from under the door.

He pressed his ear to the door cautiously, finally giving in when he heard a quiet sob and he opened the door.

And he had to bite his lip to stop the scream.

Sam was curled up on herself on the floor near the toilet, her skin shining with sweat, shaking uncontrollably and sobbing through a bloody lip that her teeth were still clamped down on. Scratches adorned her bare arms and her sweater lay a few feet away, torn down the middle as though it had been ripped off in desperation.

Freddie couldn't move as he watched her clap a shaking hand to her mouth before she vomited right next to her head, catching her hair and sobbing louder when the vomit turned to bile and the bile turned to air, leaving her dry heaving while the shudders tore through her and her tears mixed with the mess on the floor.

He still couldn't move as his head shot backwards to his senior year the first time they found Sam like this.

_Freddie help!_

_Carly what the fuck! What's wrong with her?_

_I don't know she just collapsed and started shaking and-and oh my god Freddie what do i do!_

_I don't know Carly! Oh god Sam, Sam look at me Sam, calm down please-_

_Freddie she wont stop shaking! It's not working Freddie! Sam! Oh my god-_

_Hold her hands Carly i don't think she can control them. Sam, stay with me, look at me Sam stay with me-Sam-_

He was finally yanked from his flashback when he heard the tiny whisper of his name. He blinked and saw her collapse on herself, her tiny white hand still reaching out for him.

"F-f-freddie-"

He fell to his knees beside her, catching her slight form in his arms and raising her up, pulling her half into his lap. Her eyes were closed and her figure shook violently in his hands, as though there was an invisible force shaking her from the inside out. Her arms were slick with sweat and he struggled to hold on to her. Her chest began to heave again and he moved her just in time for her to vomit almost violently into the toilet, his hands tangled in her dirty hair to keep it off her face. She bit down on her lip again and the quiet sobbing continued.

Freddie watched her cry, pain and anger welling in his chest and threatening to undo him. He knew exactly why this was happening again. She used to get like this when she couldn't get her herion in high school, and again when they made her quit. He was torn between pulling her to him and crying with her and screaming at her for being so goddamn stupid when he was here and she was back and everything was fixed and he still lov-

He didn't let himself finish his thought. He pulled her into his arms again and lifted her easily, the spasms in her arms and legs making it slightly difficult to hold her still but she didn't weigh anything, she felt like a child in his arms as he carried her out of the bathroom. Her eyes were screwed shut and her teeth dug deeper into her lip as she struggled to keep in the sobs and to keep the nausea down.

As gently as he possibly could he placed her on the couch where she immediately pulled her limbs to her, hugging herself tightly, her entire body trembling. He lowered himself in front of her, reaching out a hand to stroke the hair off her face in a way Carly used to when she would get like this.

"Sam." He whispered, hating her for making his voice warble and break the way it did.

Her face was shining with sweat even as her teeth chattered. She released her lip from the prison of her teeth, and opened her mouth as though to say something, but the only sound was a strangled sob and she leaned her forehead on her knees.

"Sam," He tried again, his voice stronger again. "What is it Sam, what was it this time." He tries to keep his voice as clinical as possible, knowing she wouldn't react well to the tears that are threatening his eyes.

"i-i-i" she stutters, her hands leaving her thighs to tangle in her hair, gripping it so tightly her knuckles stood out white. He reached up to release her slick fingers from her hair gently, pulling them from her hair before pulling her to him, fitting her tiny form into his chest and wrapping his arms around her, holding her tightly as she continued to writhe in his arms.

"Sam tell me." He whispered into her hair.

"Th-th-th-these p-p-pills." She stuttered into his shoulder, her hands gripping his arms with vice like strength. "I-i-i-i dont k-n-n-now what th-th-th-they are." She gasped and swallowed heavily, "th-th-this g-g-guy back in Calif-f-f-fornia gets them f-f-f-for m-m-m-me." . Freddie could feel her tears soaking the fabric of his t-shirt and he closed his eyes as he felt his heartbreak all over again.

"How long." He asks quietly.

"S-s-s-s-s-s-six months after i g-g-got th-there." she answered. "I'm-m-m s-s-s-so s-s-s-sorry." she whispered before the muffled sobs started again and he knew she had bitten her lip again to keep her words in.

"F-f-f-freddie p-please." she finally says after a stretch.

"Please what?" he asks, not relinquishing his firm hold on her. She leaned out of his embrace and he gently wiped the blood falling from her trembling mouth.

"G-g-g-get me something-g-g"

His heart dropped. What. The. Fuck.

"Get you drugs are you insane!" He nearly yelled, remembering at the last second that people were still asleep in the house.

If she flinched at his tone he didn't see it. She was trembling too hard. She groped for the collar of his shirt and leaned her forehead on his. He stared at her, waiting for her answer.

"j-j-just some p-p-pain p-p-pills or s-s-something." she said. "it-t-t-tll m-make it s-s-stop."

"Sam no." He said, the tears finally spilling and mixing with her own. "I can't, It'll-"

"P-p-please." she whispered, more fiercely this time, her eyes screwing shut again as her teeth seemed to involuntarily bite down on her tongue. "It hurts."

"Sam." Freddie moaned, his heart breaking with every word she spoke.

"Freddie." she finally opened her eyes and whispered his name without a stutter, fixing him with her wide and bloodshot blue eyes. "P-please."

He lingered for another half second before getting up, heading back to the bathroom, forcing himself not to look at the puddle of vomit by his feet or the blood droplets sporadically dotting the floor. Furiously ignoring the continued sobs that followed him he desperately searched the medicine cabinet, finally finding a bottle of Vicodin. He closed his eyes and clutched the bottle tighter, hating himself for this.

He hurried back to her side and handed her the bottle, watching in growing horror as she shook out three and swallowed them dry with ease. Once she did she placed her face in her hands and began to cry openly, muffled apologies intermingled with pleas reaching Freddie and tearing him apart.

He sighed, reaching for her again and pulling her so her back rested against his chest and he could pull his fingers through her long curls easily, the way he used to back in high school. She seemed to remember as well and he felt her try to relax herself, to try and stop her shaking, her whimpers and cries still reaching him. He rested his cheek on her head and whispered the same chants he would recite in high school, the words flowing back to him as though her last episode was yesterday. Mindless babble about how sorry he was and how he swore to her that it was going to be okay.

He wasn't sure how long he had held her, but eventually her body ceased its shaking and her fingers relaxed their iron grip on his shirt. He carefully pulled her so he could see her face, peaceful in sleep. He shifted slightly to get comfortable and settled her in his arms the way he used to hold Carly when she would cry after Sam left.

He placed a soft and gentle kiss to her forehead, his fingers still mindlessly stroking her fringe off her forehead. He watched her sleep for the rest of the night, mesmerized by the way the lights from the Christmas tree colored her face and almost made her glow, ignoring the pounding of his heart and the scream in his throat that was still fighting its way out.

* * *

_Lay me down, tell me everything will be alright. things will be alright. Lay me down, tell me everything will be alright, things will be alright  
_

_This could mean everything, or nothing at all, you take what is real, i give you my all._

-sleeping with sirens, let love bleed red.

_

* * *

_Hi everyone.

First off i want to apologize for how late this is:/ and im really sorry i kept you all waiting, its a long story but yeah, im sorry guys, and i worked super hard and made this chapter extra long for you guys cuz i feel just awful about making you all wait. :(dont hate me.

so yeah, let me know what you think of it. make me smile i need it:/

love lizzie.


	11. A Debt to be Paid

Freddie woke up alone the next morning.

For a few seconds he lay there and tried to convince himself that he had dreamt it, that he had not spent his night doing what he thought he had been doing. He was curled up in her blankets on the couch; alone save for the pillow he had clutched to his chest like a shield. He had no idea what time it was.

He didn't want to move. He could pretend it had all been just a bad dream and he had just sleep walked to the couch and she was gone so she wouldn't bother him.

He snorted at himself. Who the hell was he trying to convince. Even he knew that was bullshit.

With a sigh he lifted himself into a sitting position, the tightness of his muscles and sleep deprived headache and nausea convincing him further that he hadn't dreamt it all.

He hoped to God the Shay's weren't out of coffee.

They weren't. Miracles do happen. It took Freddie two tries to get the coffee maker started and he leaned his head in his hands, watching the pot fill with the heavenly liquid, the wet heat warming his face. He closed his eyes breathed in the scent of the coffee, feeling the tension leave his back and shoulders.

He was so absorbed in the coffee that he didn't hear someone come down the stairs, or step quietly into the kitchen, or stop right behind him. It wasn't until the coffee finished and he stood to turn to grab the mug on the island that he left there that he finally saw that he had company.

"Shit!" he cried out, nearly dropping the mug. "Sam you scared the crap out me!"

He seemed to have scared her quite a bit too. She flinched and inched away, as though he might hit her. He gently lowered the mug, discreetly trying to slow his breath so she wouldn't think he was angry and looked up at her. Her hair was wet, as though she had just finished showering and she was wrapped in another one of Carly's enormous sweaters. Her eyes were wide and questioning, as though she was waiting for him to acknowledge the ugly business dangling over there heads

He should have been angry he thought. He should want to strangle her over the fact that she had the audacity to scare him this morning after the way she had terrified the shit out of him last night. Instead, he found as he examined his feelings that only a touch of remorse remained, he was too tired for anger. He sighed, shaking his head to her unanswered question and turned away from her, pouring her a cup of her own and handing it to her without a word. She gave it a sad look before placing it down on the island turning back to look at him. He raised an eyebrow at her over the rim of his mug.

"I'm sorry." She finally said after a deep breath. Freddie wasn't sure he heard her correctly. It was probably the third time he had ever heard her say those words to him.

She wasn't looking at him, suddenly interested in a stray thread on the sleeve of her sweater. She took a tentative step closer to him. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "I shouldn't have hidden that from you or Carly. It wasn't fair"

Freddie was frozen. He understood that she would be sorry about last night but he wasn't ready for the complete personality transplant. Since when had she cared if anything was "fair?"

She took another step forward, her expression unreadable and her eyes glinting strangely. "You didn't deserve to be up all night taking care of me. I'm twenty years old, I should be able to do that.

Freddie had no idea where the fuck she was going with this and couldn't find it in him to move back when she took another step closer. He could see each of her eyelashes as they fluttered against her face as she kept her gaze firmly on his bare feet. He couldn't think of an answer.

"I just didn't want to hurt you when you found out, I didn't want it to be like that." she was getting closer, her tiny hand reaching out and taking his coffee from him, meeting no resistance when she set it next to hers. He was in a trance, watching her float closer whilst babbling nonsense, and he couldn't seem to find it in him to move, or say anything. She didn't seem to mind, she seemed to like being in control. A tiny smile flinted across her face.

"But you've always taken care of me Freddie, haven't you?" she was whispering now, and suddenly she was way too close, her chest was pressed against his and her hand was resting on his shoulder. Her warm touch woke him up slightly and he found the strength to nod, trying to focus on her words over his heartbeat.

Another smile. She was too close. He could see every eyelash clearly now, blond fans surrounding her overly bright blue eyes, looking hauntingly familiar and heartbreakingly beautiful. Her hand moved to his neck, coming up slightly to tangle gently in the short hair at the nape of his neck.

"And I guess some things never change do they Freddie?" She breathed against his mouth where she had somehow placed herself. He could taste the mint of toothpaste.

He should stop this, he thought crazily. He shouldn't be doing this, especially now. This was wrong and he was mentally panicking, knowing he should pull away and he tried to make his body listen-

She placed her mouth on his in the gentlest of kisses, closing the distance between them.

And all rational though and reason upped and left Freddie's head. He had kissed numerous other girls since his graduation night. But nothing. Nothing could compare to this. He let his eyes drift shut.

When she pulled away he opened his eyes and she stared at him quizzically. He realized he had been too caught up to even respond. Hurt and hesitancy were creeping into her eyes and she began to withdraw her hand. He reached up and captured her face, angling it back up and kissing her roughly.

She sagged against him in relief, her hands coming up to rest gently on his shoulders as she raised herself up on her toes to reach him better. His hands left her face and tangled in her wet hair, pulling her closer and tasting the toothpaste mixed with a taste he still hadn't forgotten and fuck, it tasted like everything he had ever wanted.

* * *

"Mustard or Mayo?" Carly asked, staring critically at the two jars in front of her.

"Mayo." Freddie answered promptly as he assembled his own sandwich, slicing up a banana to add to the peanut butter before squishing the toast with the jelly on top of it.

"Mayo." Carly repeated, spreading it carefully before slapping it back onto the half completed turkey and cheese sandwich in front of her. She cut it into fourths and picked up the plate, smiling proudly before handing it to Freddie. "your sandwich sir," she chirped.

"Thank you miss, and here is yours." Freddie answered as soon as he had taken the crust off of the sandwich he was constructing, handing the plate to Carly.

"Why thank you." Carly giggled, picking it up and taking a bite. "Yummy." She smiled.

Freddie took a bite of his own sandwich. "Perfect." He said with a smile.

Carly beamed at him before she looked down at the stuff on the counter between them. "I wish Sam would hurry up so we could make her sandwich." She stopped and smiled sadly." wow it feels good to say stuff like that again." she said quietly.

Freddie sighed. "Where is she?" He asked instead, choosing to ignore Carly's comment.

"Showering." Carly answered, slipping out a banana slice and nibbling on it daintily.

"Again?" Freddie asked, remembering how her hair had been wet that morning when-he blushed-that morning.

"Again?" Carly asked, her eyebrows knitting in confusion. "Its her first one today."

"you sure?" Freddie asked hesitantly.

"Yeah," Carly said. "When I woke up she was on the couch in my room and she slept until after you and Spencer left to the store and I made her breakfast and she went to shower just before you guys got back." She looked to the direction of her brothers room. "Where is Spencer anyways? I just realized he didn't come back with you."

"We passed an arcade on the way home and they had packrat-"

"Ah." Carly said knowingly, sipping her milk. She swallowed and looked at him suspiciously. "Why'd you ask if it was her first one?"

The blush burned on Freddie's throat. "No reason." he said as evasively as he could. "Hey this sandwich is really good, what'd you do different?"

He marginally relaxed as Carly dropped the subject and began to babble about how it was turkey rather than ham this time.

* * *

_Dirty, filthy, disgusting whore slut gross dirty grimy filth ugh-_

She scrubbed harder, harder.

_Whore._

Water hotter, Get filth off.

_Slut._

So dirty-

* * *

"So turkey huh?" Freddie said, cutting Carly off mid-rant.

"yeah. " Carly said, not noticing him trying to make her stop. "Its healthier for you and it tastes bet-" She stopped, her mouth turning down in a frown and her head tilting to the side. "Do you hear that?"

Freddie stopped chewing, tilting his head, straining to hear. After a beat he could hear it, a muffled vibrating.

"That your phone?" He asked, swallowing.

"No." Carly answered, shoving the last of her sandwich into her mouth with an unladylike gesture and standing up, moving slowly and keeping her head cocked.

Freddie followed suit and stood as well, following the vibrating sound to the squashy purple couch, shoving his hand in and digging around until his fingers found and curled around something. He pulled his hand out, staring down at the phone vibrating happily in his hands with the word UNKNOWN flashing across its screen.

"Sam's phone." He said as Carly joined him.

"Who's calling her?" Carly asked, raising herself onto her toes to see the screen.

"I don't know." He stared at it for a second and looked up at Carly. "Should I answer it?"

"No! That's Sam's phone! Its rude!" Carly exclaimed in a whisper, looking incredulous and nervous, as though she was afraid Sam would hear.

"Yeah but it might be important-"

"Then she can call them back when she's out-"

"Its an unknown call she cant call them back anyways-"

"Then its probably not that important-"

"I just want to see who's calling-"

"It's none of your business!"

"I'm just going to see who it is-"

"Fredward Benson don't you dare answer that phone-"

"Hello?"

"Ugh!"

Freddie ignored her and turned away, repeating himself when he heard silence on the other end. "Hello?"

"Uh, hi." A raspy voice greeted him. "Is uh, Samantha there?"

Freddie's eyebrows raised in confusion. _Samantha_? What the hell?

"Um no, she's currently preoccupied can I take a message?" Freddie said as steadily as he could, his heart pounding with panic for no apparent reason again.

"Oh um, are you her-" The voice trailed off.

"Her friend, she's staying with me." Freddie answered, shaking his head at Carly's confused stare. He didn't know what the hell was going on either.

"Friend…friend…Oh, her friend." The raspy owner seemed to conclude, his tone suddenly understanding. "Well I suppose I should ask you then. Is she still charging her usual hourly rate?"

Freddie stopped where he was pacing and it was like his lungs turned to stone. The pounding in his ears stopped suddenly and he was completely still, the silence almost crushing as the only thing he could focus on was the echo of the question that had been rasped at him. _Hourly rate_. No….

"Buddy? You still there?" The voice.

"Hourly rate?" He said disbelievingly, waiting for the guy to laugh and say he was kidding, and he was just an old friend or something-

"Yeah, her usual hourly rate. Is it still what she's charging?"

Freddie was drowning, his heart clamped in an iron grip and he couldn't breathe and he could feel Carly staring at him. He had to do something, anything-

"Yes?" he tried weakly, not really knowing why he did it and hating himself for playing along.

"Oh good, well could you send her by the hotel later on tonight? And tell her I do miss her, she took off in such a hurry last time I never got to say goodbye." A chuckle that sent needles down Freddie's spine.

"Miss her?" He repeated stupidly, realizing to late that repeating everything he said would shatter the illusion that he was trying to maintain.

"Hell yeah, best lay of my life." The voice said in a way that made Freddie want to murder the owner. "That's some girl you've got, she must make you a fortune she's so good but so damn expensive-"

Freddie slowly lowered the phone from his ear, knowing that if kept listening to the bastard talking that he might have broken the phone in half. He could feel the anger building, hot horrible bubbling anger and betrayal and disgust boiling up to fight to the surface over the blanket of numbness that had suddenly sunk over him. He couldn't move, or breathe or think.

She…was…and she…kissed…

_And she lied. _

He couldn't bring himself to meet Carly's eyes when he turned, the phone still in his hands though it didn't exist to him anymore. Nothing did. He could feel his head spin and his vision blurring and he was going to faint or vomit or scream-

* * *

"Hey hey I smell sandwiches and momma's hungry." Sam said happily coming down the stairs, still pulling her wet hair into a knot at the top of her head when she stopped, her good mood melting into confusion when she saw the two people at the bottom of the stairs.

Carly looked terrified, her eyes darting from her to Freddie, her hands twisting in her hair.

Freddie was staring at her like he had never seen her before in his life, his jaw slacked and his eyes bulging. She was about to say something to him, telling him to close his mouth or a fly will get in, or something else to make him smile when she caught sight of her phone in his hand.

Her phone.

With a call still in progress.

She raised her eyes to meet his and she saw reflected there that he knew. He knew everything.

_Shit._Freddie stared at her, looking so innocent with her hair off her face and her slight figure lost in another sweater. the numbness returning and leaving him with straight incredulity. She. Had. The. Balls. To act like nothing had happened. Like she wasn't-

* * *

"You." He finally found his voice, but it wasn't his. It was a low, ugly warble that sounded like the throat speaking it was on fire. "You _liar-" _He could feel himself start shaking, the phone in his hand cutting into his hand with the death grip he had on it.

Her eyes widened and she bit her lip, her hands coming up to her face as though to stifle a cry. That lying no good. _Whore_.

"What's going on Freddie?" Carly asked, finally speaking, her face streaked with fear. She went ignored as Freddie continued to glare at Sam.

"Freddie, look I was desperate and it was just-"

"You…you.." Freddie cant think of anything to call her. He cant think of anything to say to her. He wanted to kill her. He could accept the broken girl who was once his friend and needed his help. But _this. _He couldn't fucking do this.

"You lied." he managed to growl, the phone in his hand finally giving a tired snap as it gave way and the pieces fell from his fist. She didn't even look at it, keeping her frantic eyes on his face.

"I didn't want you to find out-" She began desperately, coming down the last three steps and approaching him carefully.

"Find out that you-you're a whore!" Freddie finally yells, his resolve crumbling and all composure be dammed. "That you're a lying disgusting-"

"I was desperate! I needed it-" she's crying now, her face streaked with tears and her voice breaking.

"For what your drugs? So you can get your fix?" Freddie counters, taking another stop closer, her phone crunching beneath his feet.

"Your what?" Carly gasps, turning on Sam. Sam shakes her head frantically at Carly, looking so fucking lost before turning back to Freddie.

"Freddie I didn't want you to find out-" She tries to sound strong. She doesn't.

"So what, did you have them comfort you when your done and you cant get your fix like I had to do last night?" Freddie demands, the betrayal twisting his heart painfully and making his eyes blur.

"What happened last night?" Carly demanded, turning back to Freddie.

"Nothing happened Carly-" Sam began to tell her, her voice breaking.

"You are a liar!" Freddie screams, making her flinch and Carly back away quickly. "Have you been lying about everything?" He knows she knows what he's talking about and she re adopts her desperate expression.

"No I wasn't I-"

"Does this mean I have to pay you for this morning Sam?" He's nearly sobbing. He keeps screaming to make it stop.

"What happened this morning?" Carly said, turning back to Sam.

"No Freddie its not like that." Sam whimpers imploringly, her hands reaching out for him. "It wasn't like that Freddie-"

"Then what was it like?" Freddie shrieked, shoves her hands away from him.

"I was afraid you wouldn't want me back!" She finally screams back at him before wrapping her arms around herself and letting the tears come.

Freddie watches her cry with grim satisfaction. He wants her to hurt. He wants her in pain. She fucking deserves this. He knows Carly wants him to stop but he won't. He hates her. He reaches for his wallet.

"You were right Puckett. Here" he says cruelly, ignoring the heartbroken expression that washes over her and throwing the twenty-dollar bill right into her perfect face. "So I'm no longer in your debt."

And with that, he left, storming out and slamming the door behind him and ignoring the shouts of Carly calling him back.

* * *

hi:)

okay so im super sorry this took so long,i know im getting pretty unreliable with the updates:/ and for that i apologize.

but i made it extra long just for you guys:)well i tried anyways. let me know what you think of how i handled this:)

xoxoxox. lizzie

(P.S. um, if it tells you that you already reviewed then you probably did lol. its cuz i erased my authors note and the whole story jumped back a chapter:/ im sorry guys i didnt realize it would make it hard for you all to review. but if you REALLY want to leave me one...:)and i know you all do because you love me lol, then just dont sign in, i allow annonymous reviews:) again sorry guys.


	12. Revenge

Carly paced nervously, wringing her hands in her hair and biting her lip as she passed back and forth in front of her room. Every now and again she paused, pressing her ear against her bedroom door, listening for a sound from its occupant and groaning nervously when she heard none.

She sighed and went back to pacing, stopping occasionally to stare at the door, mindlessly rehearsing the words she would say if she ever got the guts to open the door and making frustrated noises when she could think of none.

She didn't know where Freddie had run off to, but she wasn't altogether worried about Freddie. She knew him like the back of her hand, and she knew how he handled anger. He would scream then leave, then come back when he was ready with his own form of a quiet apology. She knew how he worked, and right now she knew he would want to be left alone, especially with how angry he was. She wasn't entirely sure what had happened between them but it broke her heart to see her two best friends finally getting along and then all their progress falling apart because of something Sam had to do.

She wasn't justifying what Sam did, but she understood how Sam used to be, and she knew she wasn't a desperate girl, if she thought she needed to do something then she needed it. Just like the drugs. She hated that Sam did them, but she knew how her home life was and she knew how stressed she was and she knew why she did them. She hated that she did them, but she knew why she thought she needed them. And even as she examined her feelings about it and she wasn't as disgusted as she saw in Freddie's face that he was. She didn't care what Sam did, all she cared about was how happy she was that Sam was back at all, regardless of her behavior for the past two years, and she loved Sam too much to hold it against her. And she knew Freddie did too.

She sighed again. She had always wanted them together, ever since they told her they kissed and even through her childish jealousy she could see that they were meant to be, even when she was dating Freddie and he broke up with her she knew it wasn't for the reasons he said. And she was okay with that. And with all their fighting and flirting she knew once they stopped being stupid they could be really happy together. She remember how happy she was when she peeked out the window at their graduation party and saw them kissing, and how devastated Freddie was when she disappeared. She wasn't worried about Freddie, he would come back. She knew he loved Sam too much to stay away now she was finally back, and the only reason he had flipped was because of his silly jealous streak and the love he had for her that he was too stubborn and angry to admit.

She stopped again and stared at her door, her stomach rising with fear. As saddening as the thought was she didn't know the girl behind her bedroom door anymore. Yes they were friends again and she sometimes saw flashes of her old personality when she laughed or they played cupcake slam or she teased Freddie with that shining smile on her face, but she had no idea how she would receive Carly at the moment. The old Sam she knew lashed out in anger with everyone else except her, but the new girl she was getting to know again was quiet, softer. She didn't know how to handle this girl.

She finally decided to suck it up and she shook her head once, and pushed open the door.

Her bedroom was dark, the only light from the tiny bedside table that she bought without telling Spencer so he wouldn't be tempted to tweak it and cause her room to burn down-again. The light from the hallway spilled in and illuminated a sea of blonde curls that spilled down the side of the ice cream sandwich love seat that she couldn't find it in her heart to get rid of. She followed the waves and her eyes met the skinny body curled up on the seat looking sad and defeated with the tiny form lost in her over sized sweater.

She cautiously moved into her room, leaving the door slightly open so she could see and she sat next to the bundle of her sweater on the seat. She reached out a cautious hand to touch the soft curls and the body next to her flinched.

"Go away Carly." A muffled groan floated up to her and Carly smiled and her nerves disappeared. This was the Sam she knew. Ever the closed up stubborn one. And she knew how to handle her.

"Talk to me Sam." She said, letting Sam hear the smile in her voice and running her hand through the curls the way she used to watch Freddie do when he tried to calm her down in high school.

"No," Another muffled reply. Carly's smile widened, she could tell she was breaking despite her petulant declarations.

"Please Sam?" she said, tugging the curls playfully, trying to tell Sam that she wasn't angry.

The kindness on her part seemed to work and Sam finally raised her head, her eyes curiously dry and narrowed suspiciously, as though wondering why Carly hadn't began to yell at her to leave. "What?"

"Are you okay?" Carly asked, pulling the curls with slightly more force so Sam would follow and sit up. She groaned softly but acquiesced, sighed and sitting up next to Carly, pulling her skinny legs up to her chest.

"No. Freddie hates me again." Sam stopped, biting her lip, as though realizing how out of character that was for her to admit and Carly had to stop the smile that wanted to curl across her face. She was relieved she didn't have to get past Sam's mask of indifference this time. And of course that's the first place Sam would go. Freddie.

"Freddie doesn't hate you." Carly said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and letting Sam rest her head on her shoulder. "You know Freddie, he's just, being angry." Carly suppressed a giggle. "He could never hate you, you know he loves you."

Carly felt the body under her arm stiffen and she grinned this time. She waited for her to start viciously denying it of for her to start stuttering defensively. Instead Sam relaxed and sighed quietly. "He does?" She said quietly, almost too quietly.

Carly laughed and Sam raised her head, her expression suspicious again. "What?" she asked warily.

"He's loved you forever!" Carly giggled, " And you know he does, and you know you love him too so don't start." she finished sternly as Sam opened her mouth. She closed it and turned away, the faint blush coloring her face visible in the dim light.

"I know." she said softly again, making Carly smile. She turned back to her again with the suspicious look and Carly sighed exasperatedly.

"What?" she said, poking Sam's shoulder.

"Why don't you hate me?" Sam asked, leaning away from Carly despite the firm grip the other girl had on her shoulders. "You must think-"

"That you did what you needed to do and your sorry you did." Carly cut her off firmly. "Your not a stupid girl Sam, and I know you, if you didn't need to you wouldn't have." Carly smiled gently at her best friend. "And no I'm not mad at you." She said when Sam opened her mouth again. "I don't think I could ever be mad at you again, I'm still just so happy your back." Carly's voice broke on the last word and Sam's eyes began to shine again. The blonde sat up and wrapped her arms around Carly and let her bury her head in her shoulder, hugging her tightly.

"I love you Carly." Sam said, sighing with a mixture of guilt and relief.

"I love you too Sam." Carly answered, squeezing her once more before releasing her. They pulled apart and sat in comfortable silence before Carly turned back to Sam and said. "Sam?"

"Hmmm?" Sam answered, twisting her hair in her fingers.

"What happened between you and Freddie this morning?" Carly asked, already with an idea and a smile but waiting for Sam to admit it herself.

What happened between you and Freddie this morning?" Carly asked, already with an idea and a smile but waiting for Sam to admit it herself.

A flush covered Sam's high cheekbones and a tiny smile crept over her face. "I kissed him." she said quietly, her blush darkening.

"Ah!" Carly squeaked, hugging Sam again, stopping when she saw Sam's sad expression and remembering Freddie's words before he left and she smirked. "Wow, twenty bucks for a kiss, you must be good."

Sam looked scandalized for a split second before Carly burst into giggles, laughing loudly until Sam joined in, suddenly immeasurably grateful that Carly found it amusing rather than being angry for it.

They laughed long and hard unroll they both coughed into silence and Sam turned to Carly. "I should apologize to him."

Carly smiled and gave Sam another one armed hug. "You should."

* * *

"What the FUCK do you mean we have to shoot the damn scene again-"

"Well maybe if you didn't royally FUCK up the scene we wouldn't have to do it again-"

"You said it was FINE! Were not even filming anymore-"

"Well maybe I don't LIKE it anymore-"

"Well maybe I don't CARE what you think. I'm the director-"

"What are you going to do fire me?"

"Maybe I will!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"Ugh!"

Rebecca let out a frustrated scream and threw up her hands, whirling around and storming off the set, still muttering curses and profanities under her breath.

Freddie watched her go without remorse, the anger still pounding in his veins and his breathing heavy. He watched her red hair sway and itched to throw the computer in his hands at her and shut up her big mouth once and for all, but he knew he wouldn't. He knew he wasn't really angry at Rebecca no matter how infuriating she had decided to be that day.

It had been two days since he had screamed at Sam and he still wasn't ready to forgive her and talk to her again. He had never felt so betrayed in his life. He thought they were getting their connection back, that kiss, how she was, and then to just learn that she did that with everyone. He didn't even care how destroyed she had looked when he threw the twenty at her, something he was mildly regretting now that he needed gas but he didn't care. It had been worth it to see at least one iota of the pain he was feeling flit across that perfect face of hers.

He sighed, throwing himself down on the couch and opening the computer in his lap, listening to Gibby bark orders at Kevin. As much as it hurt him inside he knew Rebecca was right, he had said the scene was fine and it really was, he was just so full of pent up anger that he had showed up to their meeting and screamed at the one person he knew would fight back.

He bit his lip. He thought that was the thing that made him angriest. Sam didn't even try to defend herself. She didn't scream, didn't fight him, just offered broken lies and half hearted explanations and stared at him with that fucking little desperate expression that made her look so fucking pathetic. He had waited, waited at the brink of insanity for her to fight back, to turn back into that strong girl he loved, but instead he got the tears of the insect that she had turned into.

And he hated her.

He blinked. He had been staring at the screen of his computer for the last five minutes and he hadn't even turned it on. He did and shook his head with a sigh. He was so fucked up.

He heard Gibby scream one last order to Kevin before his heavy footsteps drew closer to Freddie and Freddie felt his solid body slam on the couch next to him.

"Hey Gibbs." he said absently.

"You want to tell me why your acting worse then Rebecca today?" Gibby demanded without preamble, glaring at him sternly.

"Nope." Freddie answered petulantly. "And I wasn't that bad."

"You've been a dick all day! You made Sebastian cry!" Gibby exclaimed.

Freddie flushed guiltily. "She started it." He snapped in his defense, knowing how childish he sounded but unable to help himself.

"Then you fix it." Gibby snapped back, standing again as his phone began to ring. "I don't care what Sam did to piss you off this time but we don't want to hear about it." He gave Freddie another pointed look before answering his phone, switching from angry friend to smooth player seamlessly.

Freddie scowled and watched Gibby and Sebastian leave, Sebastian sticking close to Gibby's side and shooting him frightened looks over his shoulder until they left, slamming the door behind them.

* * *

Sam swallowed nervously, staring up at the building in front of her. She looked down at the paper in her hand. _Fine Arts Building _it said in Carly's loopy scrawl. Freddie had a meeting with his techy friends today, and it was almost over. Her stomach was churning as she frantically went over the apology she had been rehearsing all day. It had been two whole days and Freddie hadn't been back, she braced herself for the screaming that would no doubt ensue.

She watched as the door opened and a large guy with bulging muscles followed by a skinny boy with vibrant pink hair walked out, the pink haired boy nearly running through the snow towards a blue car and the hunky guy mounting a motorcycle and they both left.

She swallowed again, looking down to close her jacket before getting out of the car, shivering in the wind. She was determined. She would make him forgive her.

* * *

Freddie sighed, leaning back on the couch with his arms over his eyes. He breathed deeply, trying to calm himself down and thinking of a way to apologize to Sebastian when he heard the door of the studio open again.

He almost moved to look who it was, but decided against it, shrugging and leaning his head back against the couch. He figured it was just Gibby or, judging by the light and hesitant manner of the footsteps Sebastian, coming back because they forgot something.

He almost looked up when he heard the footsteps stop right in front of him but stopped when the gentle scent of vanilla assaulted him. He inhaled deeply, the scent reminding him of Sam and he let it fill him, calming him down and washing away the anger, the effect helped by the soft hand he felt caress the side of his face.

He lowered his arms but didn't open his eyes, leaning into the hand and smiling when he felt a long curl of hair brush his arm. Sam had come back to apologize, and of course Carly would have told her where he would have been today. He was still immeasurable angry at her but, when he felt her lean in and breath lightly in his ear and more curls brushed his face, he decided he should at least talk to the poor girl.

He started when he felt the hand on his face lower so it brushed under the collar of his shirt and when it began to wander down his chest he caught it, his heart dropping as he opened his eyes and saw that the wrist in his hand was freckled.

And the curls that hung in front of his eyes were red.

He yelped lightly and jumped, his stomach dropping further when he heard Rebecca's unmistakable giggle from above him.

"Shush, calm down Freddie." She breathed, settling herself down sideways on his lap as her lips continued their assault on his ear.

"Rebecca, what are you doing?" he managed to gasp, liking the feeling of her kisses on his neck a lot more than he was willing to admit to himself.

"Oh Freddie, you know how it turns me on when you yell at me." She purred, leaning back and staring at him through her green tinted contacts. " and you've been leading me on for too long."

"I've never-oh" Freddie's retort was lost in his throat as she attacked his neck with her mouth again, kissing and biting and murmuring how sexy he looked when he yelled at her.

"Come on Freddie," She whispered. "One kiss."

She pulled back again and wiggled suggestively, her tight jeans grinding into his lap and her hands wrapped around his neck. Freddie stared at her, still slightly lightheaded by the surreal feeling of the entire situation. He hated Rebecca, but-

The cruel thoughts came faster than Freddie was ready for, and he shocked himself with their intensity.

_If she can do what ever she wants with who ever she wants, then fuck her so can I._

And before he could do anything to stop her, Rebecca leaned forward and pressed her mouth against his, leaning heavily into him and guiding his hands to her long red curls and he closed his eyes and melted into the kiss, not listening and not noticing the quiet sob followed by the hurried footsteps and the studio door slamming, too preoccupied as he was with the girl in his lap.

* * *

hi:)

so im really really reeeeeaaaaaalllllllyyyyyyyyy sorry that this took so long:/ but here it is and i hope it makes every single one of you happy:) review, tell me what you think, how you think i handled this, tell me if it suckes, review just to say hi whatever:) lol

lizzie. BoxOfTrinkets:)

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	13. Fear

Freddie fidgeted nervously, tugging on his tie and biting his lip, trying to ignore the death glare Rebecca was giving him. He knew she was mad, she had every reason to be after he had rudely shoved her off of his lap halfway through their kiss and walked out of the studio, leaving her gaping at him from the floor like a suffocating goldfish. He swallowed and averted his eyes, feeling bad that he couldn't bring himself to feel bad about her.

His mind was a mess of worry. After shoving Rebecca off of him he had returned to find Sam in tears, curled up on herself and sobbing into a pillow. He had desperately apologized to her, the sight of her in pain suddenly awakening his guilt but she had never responded to him, she had watched his entire performance with a stone expression despite the tears still running down the sides of her face. After he was done she looked at his shoes for ten full seconds before standing and retreating upstairs, still hugging the pillow to her chest.

After that she hadn't spoken a word to him unless absolutely necessary. On Christmas she had handed his gift, a sweater he was currently wearing with a mumbled "Merry Christmas." and took her gift, a mini lava lamp, with another mumbled "thank you." He had caught her staring into the purple depths of the lamp since then and he had been hoping that she would say something to him about it, but so far, nothing.

He had turned to Carly in desperation, only to learn that she had sent Sam to the studio that day to apologize to him and in return she had been treated to the sight of him and Rebecca kissing. He was then subjected to a rant from Carly about how stupid he was and how Sam loved him and how dare he kiss that skunk bag Rebecca and how stupid he was and he felt terrible. He tried to track down Sam in order to apologize to her but every time he found her she was asleep. He had given into temptation and poked her, just once and was rewarded by a petulant sound and a loud snore and he left her alone feeling even more guilty.

He and Carly returned to school, only Freddie moving back into their dorm room so Carly could stay with Sam. He had spent every night for the last week staring up at the ceiling and feeling stupid. He begged Carly to make sure she came to the film festival, and Carly said she'd try.

Which brought Freddie back to where he was, fidgeting nervously with his tie as he stared out of the crack in the curtains as he, Gibby, Rebecca and Sebastian paced backstage at the film festival with the other contestants, waiting for their category. Freddie chanced another peek out of the curtains and met Carly's worried stare. She sat alone, an empty chair next to her and a terrified expression on her face. Freddie gestured madly at her, his own heart throbbing with panic as she shrugged, waving her phone so he could take out his.

_I don't know where she is!_

_I thought you said she was coming Carly!_

_She said she was going to be here Freddie I'm sorry._

_Tell me as soon as she gets here please?_

_I will. I'm nervous Freddie._

_Me too Carly._

He put his phone away, still biting his lip nervously and jumping when Gibby snuck up behind him and slapped him on the back.

"Yo Fredman." Gibby grinned.

"Holy crap Gibby you scared the shit out of me." Freddie snapped angrily, wincing as he realized he cut his lip when he jumped.

"Nervous?" Gibby asked.

"Something like that." he answered, tugging on his tie again.

"Well don't worry man, you're the best director here, its in the bag man." Gibby flashed him another grin and sauntered off, exchanging a curse with Rebecca as he passed her and tripped over her shoe.

Freddie swallowed, pulling out his phone and dialing the number he knew by heart by now, his heart rate doubling as he heard them announce the next category, his.

"Please answer me Sam." He whispered desperately, holding the phone to his ear.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

The taste of panic was creeping into Freddie's throat. Something was wrong here, very wrong. His palms began to sweat and his heart pounded as he listened to the seemingly endless ringing of her phone.

_"Hi you reached Sam's phone. If you don't know what to do at the beep, I can't help you." _

"Fuck!" Freddie cursed loudly, swearing again loudly when someone crashed into him from behind.

"what!" He nearly shouted as the muscular person slammed into him and nearly knocked him over.

"Fredman we won!" Gibby screamed in his ear as Sebastian slammed into his other side in a crushing hug. "Come one man go get your trophy!"

Time seemed to slow down for Freddie as he watched the scene in front of him, Sebastian and Gibby high-fiving and Rebecca jumping and shrieking like a child as she clapped her hands and the crowd behind the curtain cheered and something was wrong, very wrong.

Sam.

He suddenly thought that he knew all along that she wouldn't be here, and he shouldn't be here either, and wherever she was, she needed him, and he was so stupid not to think of it before.

He didn't realize he was shaking his head and backing away from their mine celebration until Rebecca pushed forward and demanded "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I need to go Gibbs." He said suddenly, the words tripping out of his mouth on their own accord, made shaky by the paralyzing fear he felt for reasons unknown to him. "Have Rebecca and Sebastian take the award."

And he turned and left, nearly running out of the auditorium to his car, the mantra of her name pounding in his head.


	14. Try As I May

His heart pounded the entire drive. His blood was pounding in his ears as he drove as fast as he could, away form the college to Carly's house. He still had no idea why he was so damn terrified. There was nothing he had to justify the panic that was still pounding in his chest as he got off the freeway, the clock of Bushwell Plaza looming above him, sending his heartbeat into overdrive.

He didn't trust her.

He knew he should but he didn't. he knew she didn't handle her problems well, their senior year being case in point. And he knew he had hurt her.

But he still had no idea what made him jump out of his car and all but sprint up to the building. In his panic he completely forwent the elevator, instead sprinting up the eight flights of stairs to Carly's apartment. Outside the door he stopped and forced himself to breathe as his lungs screamed for air and his mind screamed with panic.

_She probably overslept, there's nothing to be afraid of. _

_She's going be inside, perfectly fine and your going to feel like an idiot._

Freddie prayed he was right.

And he opened Carly's door.

At first he was a bit thrown by the fact that the apartment was completely dark, the only light emitting from the microwave in the corner. He tentatively reached out and flipped on the lights, his confusion growing deeper as he saw the apartment was completely empty, Carly and Spencer being at the college.

_Where the fuck was she._

He stared into Carly's empty apartment with a furrowed brow for another second before a sudden realization hit him and he blinked. Why the hell hadn't he thought of it before. If she was anywhere she was there.

He carefully shut Carly's door, his heart beginning its frantic pounding all over again as he crossed the hall and opened his own apartment, praying from here to hell that his mother wasn't home.

She wasn't, thank god for small miracles, and he slowly moved through his old apartment, not realizing he was holding his breath until he stopped outside of his old room, breathing in the familiar scent of his youth and warily watching the fire escape, that damn fire escape that held way too many memories for him.

_Now or never Benson. _

He slowly crossed the room, taking his steps slowly until he reached the edge of window and he froze, his heart catching in his chest as the room seemed to tilt under his feet.

Sam was curled up on herself on the floor of the fire escape, her hair in tangles and tears streaming down her face, a needle beside her and a scarf tied tightly around her thigh as she slapped her leg frantically, desperately searching for a vein.

He wasn't aware he was moving, or aware of the tears that began to form in his own eyes as his throat tightened and he stopped breathing, his head growing lighter as his feet moved and he stepped over the window out onto the fire escape and his feet moved him forward and he reached out a hand to stop her wrist just as she picked up the needle.

He didn't remember her getting up, or her words as she cured, just that his heart was breaking and the only thing he could say were the words "What are you doing Sam?"

That's when things snapped back to reality for Freddie, and he realized he's still holding on to her wrists, and she's trying to pull away and he pulls her tighter.

"What are you doing? Why are you doing this I thought you stopped Sam-" Freddie nearly sobbed, struggling with her before pinning her against the wall by her wrists, moving to avoid her head as she tried to head butt him in her attempt to get away.

"I-I did but you, and I needed it and Freddie I'm sorry-" She's sobbing to hard to finish, and she continues to try and force her way out of his grip, twisting her wrists in his hands and trying to dislodge him.

"You, Sam I don't care about everything else just don't-"He tried to tell her and he realizes its true, that he doesn't care about everything, he just wants to fix her, to hold her, he just wants his Sam, his demon, he wants her back.

"You do-" She chokes out and he wishes she would stop crying because its making him want to break down too. "You do and you hate me and I'm trying Freddie, I know I left you and I fucked up and I deserve this but I'm trying, Freddie I'm trying-"She cant talk anymore because she's crying too hard and she finally stops struggling and she slumps in his arms, her front resting against him and his heart breaks again.

"I don't hate you-" He begins, his throat tightening again and a single tear escaping and running down his face. "Sam I-"

"I just want you back Freddie." She manages to stutter out. "I just want you back and I want you to love me again-"

"Sam I do love you." It hurts him to say it after so long and it forces more tears and he wants her. He releases her wrists to cup her face as gently as he could and turns her face up to him.

"I love you so much Sam."

"I love you too Freddie." She whispers and she cries even harder at that and he realizes he doesn't want to see her in pain anymore and he holds her face and he kisses her, only his fourth kiss with her.

She responds immediately, opening her mouth for him and raising herself on her toes, her hands tentatively reaching for him, her touch growing firmer as he wraps his arms around her middle and pulls her closer.

They kiss long and hard until she finally pulls away and begins to cry again and he holds her, lowing them to the floor and manhandling her so she is curled up in front of him with her cheekbone against his collarbone and her hands clutch his shirt and she cries as she leans on him. He sits with her patiently, stroking her hair and kissing her temple until her sobs subside and she falls asleep with her head against his chest and his hands in her hair.

And even as Freddie stared at the needle that represented everything she was now, he decided he didn't care about everything else. He had her back and he kicked it over the edge of the fire escape and tightened his grip on the girl in front of him.

He would fix her. He loved her after all.

Fin

* * *

its done:)

gosh lol i started this back in june but its finally done:) so tell me what you thought of the whole thing, if it sucked if it was terrible if whatever:)just please tell me. ALSO! im SO stuck on an idea for another multichapter story so if anyone wants anything written ill take your ideas:)

i love you all:) please review

Lizzie. BoxOfTrinkets

ps. ALSO lol you guys want an epilouge? i have something written but i dunno if i should just leave it here, but let me know:)


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